tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48748128659760366282024-03-13T16:13:33.951-07:00my two peas in a pod gone but never forgottonA journey through baby lossMikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-81882946921812358382016-12-13T14:59:00.001-08:002016-12-13T14:59:20.781-08:005 years old todayHappy Birthday Luke & Arthur, 5 years old today. As the years pass and I've become so busy with my toddler and twins.. Its hard to find the time and space for my first born twins. I dont know how I feel about that. Five years ago I could't think how I was going to live and here I am preparing for Santa and very much living. I am in a better place, I have completed my IVF journey, which is a huge relief and im healing. I'm sad that my boys did not have the opportunity to live and experience life but its very important that my living children have me present and living for them so this is my new journey.. I love been a mom and I love my children. We will always celebrate our boys life and my children will know their brothers. Today I feel good and im looking forward to our little family tradition of putting up our tree this weekend and our outing to the woods to visit the twins memorial tree. My children are healing me everyday xxxMikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-33857284179798598822016-02-07T02:38:00.001-08:002016-02-07T12:26:45.243-08:00A journey complete..Over a year has passed since I have visited this site.. We celebrated our boys 4th birthday anniversary in the same way.. Visiting were we planted their memorial trees and putting up our Christmas tree..<br />
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This year we welcomed twin girls into the world.. I went back for another cycle of IVF and to our surprise we had twins again.. I was so afraid the entire pregnancy that something would happen but it turned out to be my easiest pregnancy yet.. Completely non eventful.. Cate & Emilia were born on the 19th October 2015.. Our family is complete and hectic!! It's been a long and very difficult journey and in 7 years I have had 9 IVF fresh/ frozen cycles and delivered 5 children.. But we have come to a place were we have our beautiful family.. </div>
Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-32407551383989243472014-12-13T05:16:00.000-08:002014-12-13T05:18:59.785-08:00Happy BirthdayHappy Birthday Luke and Arthur!! It has been 3 years at this very time that Luke was born and Arthur was on his way. I remember every detail, as though it happened yesterday. I cannot believe it has been 3 years, and I also cannot believe that it has been 1 year since I posted here about the twins. Only a few people rembered the twins birthday anniversary, but for the first time I am ok with that. I have come a long way over the past year. My grief has changed, if you were to say to me 3 years ago, that I would survive, the loss of my twin boys, I would not have heard you and would have been angry even at the suggestion. But here I stand, living, breathing and I must say happy. I feel I have been though an intence journey, it has been the hardest journey of my life, I'm still on it but now I feel lighter. A lot of the anger is gone, I no longer have fear, I remember at one point I was afraid of everything, people places, I avoided everything. Now all of that is gone. Even last year I still hadn't met with some people or gone back to my local shop, but this year I have. I feel strength instead of fear, which is a positive. I have come through it and I'm still standing.<br />
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I think of my boys often, I guess it helps that I have their ashes with me at home so I see them everyday. I shead tears often for them, but I continue on. I know that Eric my baby boy is the reason that I am coping so well, he brings us so much joy, the love I feel for him is endless. I am so thankful for everyday I have with him. I do have a lot of fear around Eric, this is something I need to work on, I fear something could happen to him and then what..<br />
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Today we usually follow a routine where we visit the boys trees and go for dinner and put up our tree, but unfortunately we have the winter vomiting bug in our house today. At first I was a bit disappointed as I felt that I was leaving the boys down on their birthday, but we will just postpone our little rituals for a few days. I have also undertaken a little project called teeny diapers. I have handmade 40 baby diapers Christmas decorations in memory of Luke and Arthur. I will send 30 to the neonatal unit where Arthur spent his little lifetime to put in the babies Christmas stockings. I will give ten to the people who were there for me to hang on their trees in memory of the boys. I will post a photo here during the week of the diapers, they are so cute. It's been quiet therapeutic making them a nice bit of time dedicated to my boys.<br />
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Over the last few months we decided to try one more IVF frozen cycle, my test date was yesterday and it was negative. We transferred 3 blasts, I was a little hopeful that this would work and be the end of the road for us on our IVF journey.I have been doing IVF cycles now for 7 years, I am now in my 40s and to be honest I'm tired of it but emotionally and financially. I'm not devasted at the negative as I have a living child it's not like having a failed cycle and having no children or after loosing two children. Now I just feel tired, I don't know what I will do next, another fresh cycle, and all the medication, scans and most of all the fear, I couldn't have twins again. Every time I go through a cycle I have a fear of twins. I would love a sister or brother for Eric, but then there is a sense of relief to just say stop. When is enough enough? If I said no more, I feel I could start new projects I have put on hold. There would be a sence of relief to say enough is enough, but am I ready to give up do I go one last time. Now my age is very much against me, but then if not now, then I will have no opportunity in a year or two. I need a couple of weeks over Christmas to decide. Throughout this journey I prayed for just one living child, and thankfully I was given that.<br />
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<br />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-55493892701499779392013-12-27T13:03:00.001-08:002013-12-27T13:06:08.989-08:00Arthur's DayTomorrow is Arthur's 2nd year anniversary.. I am thinking about him and his two weeks on this earth. I don't know how to spend his day. I feel the 13th the boys birthday is when I do something to remember both of them.. It's not like I won't be thinking of him all day tomorrow, I just don't have a ritual to do. Last year I was in middle of IVF. Eric was two cells old. I had so many emotions floating around. This year my little man is keeping me busy. <div>I think tomorrow will be a day of quiet reflection in the midst of a normal day. </div><div>My affirmation for tomorrow is forgiveness. Whilst I still struggle with this, I have become better and it is something I hope to work hard on in 2014. </div><div>Arthur I love you. This time 2 years ago you were having a good night, I rang the hospital around 4am, they said you were quiet. You woke with an infection at 8am and you passed away at noon. It's like a dream, almost like it happened to someone else, but it happened to me and I am forever changed. </div><div><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-8X2qPG5oiL4/Ur3rvbI1kLI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/kgQ5bBl9R1A/s640/blogger-image-1152660022.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-8X2qPG5oiL4/Ur3rvbI1kLI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/kgQ5bBl9R1A/s640/blogger-image-1152660022.jpg"></a></div>Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-31461771147572456222013-12-16T07:33:00.002-08:002013-12-16T07:43:25.457-08:00Happy Birthday<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"> <a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-FoTZRLOMDIs/Uq8fm1fNSKI/AAAAAAAAAW4/PTNvWg8JwAo/s640/blogger-image--1158945282.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-FoTZRLOMDIs/Uq8fm1fNSKI/AAAAAAAAAW4/PTNvWg8JwAo/s640/blogger-image--1158945282.jpg"></a></div>Happy Birthday baby boys, if ye were alive ye would be two years old and our house would be manic. How I wish things could be different, how I long to hold both of you in my arms and shower you with kisses. I love you so much and you own my heart forever.<br>
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We celebrated your second birthday in a similar way as last year. We put our Christmas tree and put your decorations up first. Then we went to were we planted your trees. This year as we had Eric with us we couldn't climb the mountain but instead we went on a walk around the area. We stopped for hot ports and soaked up the Christmas atmosphere. We then went for a meal and had birthday cake. When we arrived home we switched on the Christmas lights. It was a perfect day to celebrate your little life times. <br>
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I always find the two weeks between Arthur's birth and death difficult. Lots of memories come flooding back. Last night I had some night terrors were I dreamt of dead babies. its been a long time since I had dreams like this. I was a little shaken when I awoke. Then I fear something will happen to Eric, but I guess that fear is always going to be there for any mother but is just a bit more pronounced as I now know how precious life is.<br>
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I participated in a workshop last night and made a beautiful Christmas table display for Luke and Arthur. The workshop is run by a local charity for baby loss. It the was lovely to make something for the twins and now they will be included and will be there in our minds on Christmas day.<br>
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I made up a Christmas package for the nurses in neonatal, that cared for Arthur. They have been wonderful and sent a lovely card and photo frame for Eric when he was born. I will always remember their kindness. I also sponsored a memory box to be donated to the hospital for another baby's parents.<br>
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I have met some wonderful people in the past two years, people that I would have never met if my twins were not born. I am grateful every day that even though they could not stay with me that they were and are a part of our lives. I love them to the moon and back..xxMikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-72145834285281975442013-12-09T08:41:00.002-08:002013-12-09T08:51:43.144-08:00Where has the time gone???Its been a long time since I posted here. I think I was heading into hospital for observation last time I was on.I stopped posting as I had so much anxiety around my pregnancy I just couldn't face writing about anything. As I approach the twins second anniversary I felt compelled to visit this space so I can reflect on all that has happened over the past year.<br />
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Our son Eric was born on the 4th September 2013. He is perfect and our lives have changed forever. I love him more than anything and I am so thankful that he is here with us. There is a feeling of sadness too as now I can physically feel what I have missed out on with my twins. We are a family of 5, but only 3 of us here on this earth and I still miss the twins with all my heart. </div>
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The last few months have been a whirl wind and I have no time to think. This is a good thing as my time is full of Eric. The twins anniversary is a few days away and as I reflect I can honestly say that I have thought about them every day over the past two years. They are with me all the time. </div>
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I remember writing here last year and I was so lost. I didnt know if I would ever have children. I felt so empty and tired and angry. Throughout my pregnancy I stayed quiet resting and avoided most social events. I didn't want to face people and I was afraid something bad would happen. Then when Eric arrived everything changed. People came out of the woodwork to congratulate us, some whom I had spent a year upset about. I decided to forgive and to move forward as I do not want any negativity to surround Eric. I have been busy meeting people and participating in life again. Some times I feel like my old self again and I'm enjoying it. The dark place that I was in, is not so dark anymore. The birth of Eric has healed me, he is helping me to live again. </div>
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Eric would not exist if our twins had lived, this is a hard concept to understand. They have given me Eric and for that I am truly thankful. People told me in the beginning of this grief journey that time would help the healing process. I believe now that this is true but what has helped more than anything is having my rainbow baby. I don't know if I would be as happy now if Eric was not with me. For me being childless was a huge emotional turmoil. I'm glad I did not give up on my dream as now I can experience the miracle of a little life and I feel for the first time that we are a family.<br />
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A week before Eric was born our 17 year old dog 'Mika' passed away. Mika was the closest we ever got to having a family. Mika helped me hugely after the twins death as she got me out of bed and out walking. We had many scares over the past two years and were told several times that she didn't have long to live. But she lived and stayed with us up until the end. On her last week she stopped eating, its as if she knew it was her time to go and she gave us all she could. It was a hard week but then everything was accelerated and we then welcomed our new arrival and a new chapter in our lives.<br />
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I have been doing really well but this week I am finding it hard, lots of those memories of two years ago are flooding back. The what ifs and the what could have been. I know the next 2 weeks I will be reliving a lot of memories but I will also be making new ones as it will be a first Christmas for Eric. I have decided that I will put up our Christmas tree on the 13th the day the twins were born and this will always be a tradition in our home. I got some new decorations for the twins to put on our tree. I am hoping this will be a good and peaceful Christmas. On the 28th of December will be the anniversary of Arthur's passing and the 29th will mark the day that Eric was implanted on our last IVF treatment. What a difference a year can make..<br />
Merry Christmas!!!!!</div>
Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-76161429008878367852013-05-19T06:05:00.000-07:002013-05-19T06:05:29.091-07:00Hope<b>Hope</b> according to Wikipedia, is the state which promotes the belief in a good outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Despair<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_%28mood%29" title="Depression (mood)"></a> is often regarded as the opposite of hope. I know what despair feels like, I think anyone who has lost someone they love has felt despair. Despair is a dark lonely place where hope does not exist, in fact I don't think anything exists only darkness, heaviness and confusion.<br />
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I read yesterday that the Krim family, who lost their two children Lulu and Leo to tragic circumstances late last year, are expecting again. The family release a statement to say they have hope for the future. It really is inspirational that a family that have endured such pain in such awful circumstances are feeling the hope in a new pregnancy and are looking to a brighter future.<br />
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I personally am still finding it difficult to be hopeful, I am still not convinced that I will have a good outcome, however I am not in despair either. So what am I thinking? I would like to be hopeful and at times I guess it is there. I allow myself to imagine me holding my baby and bringing it home and at last having a family. This week however any glimmer of hope has taken a backseat, to an overwhelming feeling of nervousness. I feel like I have a big exam ahead of me and I'm waiting to sit it in 2 weeks time. My stomach is in knots in anticipation of reaching 24.5 weeks, the age of my twins when they were born. I have no control over these feelings, my head can say its irrational to be nervous this is a different pregnancy but my body has a mind of its own.<br />
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Then I think when and if I pass the 24.5 week mark, will I then have hope, and I fear the overwhelming answer is probably not.Why? Because, I know too much of what can go wrong at different stages of a pregnancy. I have met and read too many stories. However when you read of another family like the Krims who have and continue to struggle and still have a glimmer of hope, it makes me think maybe things will turn out OK, maybe I just need to believe it can happen to me. <br />
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<br />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-47610532839978959482013-05-06T15:16:00.003-07:002013-05-06T15:25:50.307-07:0021 weekOnce again its been a while since I have posted. I'm almost afraid to post as I'm afraid something will happen and I may loose this baby, whom I love so much already. It is a difficult journey, pregnancy after loss as each milestone I am reminded of what I lost and what I could loose.<br />
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I am 21 weeks on Wednesday and at this point in my pregnancy with only 3.5 weeks to go to the same date that I lost the twins. Theses days are hard as I countdown to this crucial date. I had a scare last week where I had some bleeding. I had a slow motion reaction when I saw the blood, I wanted to ignore it as I couldn't face going through another loss. All I kept thinking was here I go again, I didn't contact the hospital for hours, instead I left work and went home and lay on the couch trying to avoid the whole situation.When I did contact my consultant she wanted me straight in. I was admitted to hospital for 4 nights of observation and thankfully there were no changes in my cervix and the bleeding stopped. All my test results came back clear and I had no infection so it looks like the bleeding was the result of my stitch stretching. In hospital I ended up in the same ward that I was in for the 5 days before the twins were born, I met some of the same nurses. It was difficult as I was scared and being in the same place surrounded by the same people was tremendously hard. But the positive is this baby is still safe inside me, with no notion of my worries.<br />
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I am been very well looked after by my consultant, and for the next seven weeks, I will be seen weekly for scans. I just wish I had met this consultant before and maybe the twins may still be here. I have discussed getting my steroid shot for the baby's lungs at week 24 and I will get a booster shot at week week 28. <br />
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I feel like the time is going slowly and that it is also going quickly,<i> </i>I cannot believe I have made it this far but I also know I have a long way to go. I feel the baby moving all the time, which I love. I had just started feeling the twins move when I lost them, so now I am enjoying this amazing feeling of life. <br />
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I haven't really told anyone that I am pregnant, just close family and a few friends and those I work with. I am really starting to show now so it will get more difficult to hide. I don't know why I want to hide it, but I do. I want to keep it to myself as long as I can. Currently I am on activity rest, I only go between work and home so I am able to keep a low profile. As I never really resumed my social life after loosing the twins, people are none the wiser. <br />
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Yesterday was international bereaved mothers day, I didn't realize till late in the evening. I lit a candle for my boys to mark the occasion. Also my birthday was a few weeks ago and I got two beautiful framed pictures of baby Luke. This was important as I had two pictures of baby Arthur, which I keep on our mantle piece and beside my bed but I had no picture of Luke. The pictures I have of Arthur are of us with him in neonatal when Santa came to visit. So now I am happy as I have a picture of both my boys. <br />
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My next goal for this pregnancy is to reach 24.5 weeks followed by 28 weeks and if I make it that far I guess I will have a whole new set of worries!<br />
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<br />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-34254432911538102232013-03-17T15:09:00.001-07:002013-03-21T15:46:19.740-07:00Second trimesterI reached an important milestone, I am now officially entering my second trimester. I am 13.5 days today. I have a bump that seemed to appear overnight. I love having a bump, and I love being pregnant again, but it is different this time. I have lost my innocence, I no longer feel safe, I am cautious. Don't get me wrong I do get excited at times, dreaming of our future, but I have to stop myself as then I think of all the things that can go wrong. I have read so many other stories of baby loss, I now know of so many things that can go wrong, it is scary.<br />
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I had my cerclage put in last week, as a preventative measure to try to hold onto this pregnancy. The procedure went well, with only a small bit of discomfort the following day. It got me thinking of all the procedures I have had to get to this point. I had a laparoscopy, a hysterscopy, a DNC, a manual removal of my placenta and a cerclage. I also had two canceled IVF's, four fresh IVF's and two frozen cycles. Each of my failed IVF cycles were losses to me as you build up so much hope and you have your little embryos put back and then nothing. It's devastating to go through a failed IVF, but I think the two frozen cycles after I lost the twins were the most painful. I hate to think where I would be now if our present cycle had failed, would I have found the strength to go on?<br />
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This pregnancy is not like my pregnancy with the twins, and I am a little grateful for that. My pregnancy with the twins was easy, I was never sick, I could eat everything, I exercised a lot, I had energy. This pregnancy I have been sick everyday from six weeks, however I am grateful as I feel pregnant, I cannot eat red meat or any meat for that matter, I am doing minimum exercise and I haven't had a lot of energy. I am resting a lot and taking time for myself.<br />
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I am fortunate as my consultant has scanned me every week since I was six weeks, so I have been closely following my baby's growth. Now that I have reached the end of my first trimester, I feel like I can breathe before I head to the 18-24 week period. I am dreading this time. I will start progesterone injections at week 16 and the baby will have the injection for their lungs at 24 weeks. Please god let me make it to there and beyond. <br />
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We have told a few people but don't plan to tell many, I can't seem to say it out loud for fear of jinxing it. I would love if nobody knew till I walked out of the hospital. I dream of walking out the front door of the hospital with a car seat instead of the back door with a coffin. I remember, when the twins died, how I was so envious of all the moms with their babies and their car seats, at the time I truly couldn't believe what had happened to us.<br />
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We recently received a wedding invitation to attend a local wedding. The couple getting married are more friendly with L than me, and I haven't seen or heard from them since our twins died. I would probably know about ninety percent of the people who will attend this event, none of whom I have seen or heard from since our loss. L really wants me to attend but I don't want to go. There are several reasons, my pregnancy is one as I would be 18 weeks and would be showing, I do not want to announce my pregnancy to everyone at a wedding. I also have anxiety thinking about seeing such a big group of people that I have not seen since before I lost the twins. I also feel a little mad as not one person from this group contacted me or sent a card, I know I cut myself off for a while but a simple text would have sufficed. I know that I have high expectations of people and I should know better. I have been beating myself up about this but I really don't want to attend, I would love somebody to tell me its OK, if you don't feel up to it, then don't. I just want to stay a little bit longer in my little pregnancy bubble, before facing the big bad world.<br />
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I do feel Luke and Arthur close to me everyday, I talk to them all the time. It amazes me that I knew them for such a short time yet they are present in such a large part of my life. There is not one day since I lost them or should I say since I conceived them that I have not thought of them. They have been in my life now for 20 months since conception and I love the idea that whilst they are not physically here they are with me mentally and I think they always will be with me no matter what happens. xx<br />
<br />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-9193259081156871482013-02-24T12:50:00.002-08:002013-02-24T12:56:17.383-08:00LossIts been a tough week. My uncle died at 59 years old. Its was so sad to see such a good man taken at the prime of his life. It really makes me question why take him, he didn't drink or smoke, he was a hard worker, good to his parents and family and he is gone. Yet you see others and they abuse their bodies and nothing. Don't get me wrong I don't want anything to happen to anybody but life just seems so unfair.<br />
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It just seems no matter how well you look after yourself or in my case how well I tried to care for my babies, things just happen for no reason, just random acts, happening all the time. Life is hard, loss is hard, grief is hard. <br />
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At my uncles funeral, I met many family members whom I have not seen since loosing the twins. It was difficult as I definitely hold a lot of anger towards people whom I felt did not acknowledge my loss. When I lost the twins we didn't have a funeral, we cremated the boys and only had a few very close family members attend. On attending my uncles funeral, I could see that people were afforded the opportunity to offer their condolences. People knew how to behave and what was expected of them. When you loose a baby, it is not the same, people do not know what to do or what is expected of them. It is just so awful.<br />
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For the first time in over a year, I was able to face people and consider that what happened to Luke and I was really awful and nobody knew what to do. At the funeral some family members asked how I was, I knew they were asking about the twins and I was able to say I was doing OK. Others said nothing but it didn't hurt me as it has in the past. What was important for me was that I faced everybody, I spoke to everybody, I didn't feel like running and hiding. I have moved forward, and it is important for me to acknowledge that. <br />
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Loosing a family member is incredibly sad. Loosing your children is horrendous. Over the course of the week, there were many conversations about my uncles life. It made me really sad to think that nobody can ever speak about my boys like that as nobody knew them, which I guess makes it hard for people to recognize the extinct of our loss. This week I have become a bit more tolerant, in understanding others. However there are still people that I expected more from and those relationships are changed forever, but I am OK with that. I am not as angry.<br />
<br />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-90629632451167973812013-02-03T07:14:00.001-08:002013-03-23T14:26:33.709-07:00AWOL<h1 class="title entry-title" itemprop="name">
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Its been a while since I have wrote anything. I stopped in October after I participated in capture your grief, I was exhausted after posting daily and needed time away from here. November was a quiet month, where I was preparing for my babies first anniversary and starting a new IVF cycle.<br />
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December was a hard month, I finished working on the 12th of December the day before my boys anniversary and didn't return till January 7th. Luke and Arthur's birthday and anniversary was a good day, much better than I had anticipated. I got up that morning and Luke & Arthur's daddy (also named Luke) had got me the most beautiful necklace with the boys names engraved in Ogham writing. Ogham <span class="st">is the earliest form of writing in Ireland, it dates to around 4th century A.D,it was the most wonderful gift, it made me cry. Then we headed out for the day, I had planned that we go to the national park where I planted the trees in memory of our boys. The family plot where the trees are planted is above a waterfall on the road to Torc mountain which is 500m high. We climbed the mountain, which is not too high but the weather conditions on the day were really hard, it was windy and raining. At various points along the route we contemplated turning back, but the mountain became symbolic of our year and how tough it has been and I needed to reach the top. We did and it felt good and as we descended the weather improved. After we went for dinner and a movie and when we arrived home, my sister had left the most beautiful card and two white flowers and a gift voucher for another piece of jewelry. I was so grateful to have had such a nice day in memory of our boys. </span><br />
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<span class="st">A couple of days later I visited the hospital where the boys were born and I dropped off birthday queen cakes for the nurses who looked after me and those who looked after Arthur in neonatal. I met with the counseling midwife as I did not feel strong enough to face the wards, but I got a fabulous card from neonatal, which meant a lot to me.</span><br />
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<span class="st">In the midst of all of this our dog turned 16, the same dog that was given 3 months to live last January. Mika (our dog) developed a bad toe infection and once more we were told she may not make it. I prayed she wouldn't die around the boys anniversary or over the Christmas period. Mika had a stroke because of the antibiotics she was on and we had to make the decision to cut her toe off, but we were told there was a strong possibility that she would die on the operating table. Mika survived and is happy and healthy, but missing one toe, she is a real survivor. </span><br />
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<span class="st">I had a strong urge that I did not want to celebrate Christmas so I planned to do my IVF over the Christmas holidays. I toyed with the idea of putting up a Christmas tree, but I attended a workshop and I made some Christmas decorations for the boys so I decided to put up some decorations. I'm glad I did. We flew to Kiev on Christmas eve and arrived to -15 weather. In Kiev they do not celebrate Christmas until the 7th of January, so whilst the city was decorated, we didn't have the pressure of Christmas day. On Christmas day we walked around the Christmas markets and went for a nice meal and that was it Christmas over. On the 26th I had egg retrieval and on the 27th Luke flew home as we were still unsure if Mika (dog) was ok and we didn't feel comfortable leaving her. </span><br />
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</span><span class="st">When I had my egg retrieved, I got a huge shock, I was told my lining was only 7mm, which is not good. I didn't understand how this could happen as the previous month I had an 8mm lining. When I got pregnant with the twins my lining was 8mm. We collected 11 eggs and 8 fertilized. The clinic said I had to decide whether I was to put back 2 or 3. I was advised by my consultant to put back 2 as the risks associated with a twin pregnancy. I spent my three days in Kiev a nervous wreck, it just all seemed doomed to fail. </span><br />
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</span><span class="st">On the day of transfer, the clinic felt as my lining was so poor they would recommend I transfer 3 so I did. I remained in Kiev for another day after the transfer and flew home on New Year eve, safely missing another celebration. Now I had the dreaded two week wait to endure. To be honest I didn't feel very hopefully and I think I began grieving this IVF at the beginning of the two week wait. I returned to work on the 7th but I was overwhelming sad. We discussed our options at length and tried to decide what next. </span><br />
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</span><span class="st">My test date was on the 14th January, I couldn't sleep that night and I woke at 5am,<i> </i>I decided to go for it. I peed and there was nothing so I left it and went to the kitchen for some water, I returned and I saw the faintest line, so faint you had to hold it up to the light. Now I was confused, after some time the line got a little stronger. I spent the next 24 hours on Google and I decided this was an evaporation line. I tested again the following morning and a even fainter line came up if that was possible, but the line appeared within the 3 minutes so now I deduced that it was a chemical pregnancy as the line had got fainter. Another 24 hours of Google agony. Finally on Monday morning I went to the GP and I just started crying, poor doctor didn't even know why I was there, eventually she did my bloods and I had a bhcg of 125, which is really low for 16 days post 3 day transfer. I went back again for a second beta on Wednesday and it had doubled to 294, which was positive but still low. I went back for 2 more beta and it more than doubled each time so I booked a scan. </span><br />
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</span><span class="st">My first scan I was 4 weeks past egg collection which translates to 6 weeks pregnant, and I had one sac but little else, we could see a tiny yolk, but it wasn't clear.As there was no heartbeat I was distraught, but my consultant said it is still too early. I went back for a second scan at 7 weeks, it was the most nerve wracking experience, but there it was a heart beat. So I guess I'm officially pregnant. I don't even want to write it as I am acutely aware it can be taken from me in an instant. I'm afraid. My consultant said I was measuring at 6 weeks instead of 7, but since I did IVF, I know my dates, so this is a worry. I know I had a late implanter, which would explain my low beta, but I also know it is not possible to implant a week late. </span><br />
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<span class="st">I remember after my first scan, I said to my consultant, that all my energy was put into getting pregnant now the fear that I was and what is ahead is overwhelming. I wish I was innocent and I had no idea what it is like to loose children. I am hoping and praying this little bean will stay with me. I am convinced it is a girl, I have even drifted off to looking at girls names, but I have to catch myself, I am nowhere near a place where I can dream of my take home baby. It is difficult to stay in the present when I dream of what the future would be like with my rainbow baby. </span><br />
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</span><span class="st">My consultant has agreed to scan me weekly until 12 weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it there. I think she understands how nervous I am. I scan again next Wednesday, which is all I can think about. I am just praying this bean is a fighter and grows and grows. </span><br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-38298337048830942952012-11-01T11:13:00.001-07:002012-11-01T11:18:20.702-07:00Sunset<b>Day 31</b> Sunset. Fahamore, Castlegregory, Co Kerry Ireland taken from our upstairs window.<br />
I am glad I decided to participate in this project as it has allowed me to reflect on some questions which I had not answered for myself. I look at this project as a keepsake, that I can look back on in the future and remember where I was. I found some days challenging but over all it was a time for reflection. I enjoyed looking at what others captured and felt a connection to the baby loss community. I would like to thank Carly for putting this project together and allowing me the opportunity to participate. I would also like to thank all the other moms for sharing their story. <br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-32153834206646873422012-11-01T11:00:00.003-07:002012-11-01T11:16:25.976-07:00Your Grief tell the world<b>Day 30</b> Your Grief Tell the world, I am a little late posting day 30 and 31. To be honest I found this post a hard one as there are so many things I can tell the world about my grief but I haven't sorted through them all yet myself. But here are a few that came up when I thought about it.<br />
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This is a long hard journey<br />
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Often life seems out of control<br />
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It can be lonely as many do not understand<br />
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It is important to know there is support and you are not alone<br />
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Sometimes I feel I have moved forward with my grief and suddenly without warning I find myself back at the beginning.<br />
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It is mine<br />
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<br />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-83567681941102172162012-10-30T13:19:00.001-07:002012-11-01T11:19:42.310-07:00Music<b>Day 29</b> Music, this album, doesn't remind of the twins, but it reminds me of the time I lost the twins. I listened to this album everyday for about two months after I lost Luke and Arthur. I remember when I had the energy to go for a walk I would put on my head phones on and I would just walk and listen to my i pod full blast. I think now and into the future it will always remind me of that time in my life and probably take me to that place again. <br />
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<img height="220" id="il_fi" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/5/55/21Adele.jpg/220px-21Adele.jpg" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="220" />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-48489444835248727802012-10-28T12:33:00.001-07:002012-10-28T12:49:31.888-07:00Memory<b>Day 28</b> Memory, All I can think of is the blackness, the despair, that I felt over the past 10 months. This photo represents were I have been and where I am trying to crawl out of, it represents what I have lost and the hopelessness I have felt. It is a negative memory but unfortunately it overrides everything. <br />
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I do have some positive memories, I met my two beautiful sons, I loved them. I got to know my son Arthur, I held him, I read him stories. I experienced being a mother for a moment. I have had supportive people around me. I have created memories of my boys. I have laughed, I have cried. <br />
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But overall the underlying theme is one of sadness....<br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-75048598274537014622012-10-28T11:56:00.000-07:002012-10-28T12:09:06.070-07:00Artwork<b>Day 27</b> Artwork,<br />
I don't have a piece of artwork for the boys. I do love art and we have some beautiful pieces in our home. The pieces of art we own all come with a story and have a meaning to us, so hopefully I will find something that will encompass the boys story or bring me solace when I look at it. But for now I have picked two wind chimes that were given to me by a dear friend one for each of the boys. The chimes hang in the boys room. Their room is bare, and I rarely go into it as it is a constant reminder of what I have lost. <br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-83550835493061350032012-10-26T13:18:00.000-07:002012-10-26T13:19:11.028-07:00Their Age<b>Day 26: </b> Their Age, Luke was 24.5 weeks gestation when he was stillborn. What is really sad is he had a heartbeat up until his birth. Nobody knows what happened him but I was told he was the comprised twin and therefore must have experienced stress during the birth.<br />
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Arthur lived for 2 weeks and 1 day in the neonatal unit, we had two birthdays for him we celebrated his first and second week of life. <br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-53586200963804047752012-10-26T12:55:00.001-07:002012-10-26T12:57:20.749-07:00Baby Shower/ Blessing<b>Day 25:</b> Baby Shower Blessing<br />
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We don't generally do baby showers here in Ireland and I didn't buy anything before the babies were born. I was looking at the prams and cots but I would have got them closer to their due date. I was given a moses basket at around 18 weeks, but I put it away and it is still away.<br />
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When Arthur was in neonatal, we were advised to get some books and to read him stories. We got him books as well for his Christmas present. On Christmas morning when we arrived into neonatal, Arthur had his own Christmas stocking full of goodies, hats, shoes, blankets and clothes. I was also given a beautiful blanket with Arthur's name on it, I wrapped Arthur in it and this is what he was cremated in. I was given some clothes for Arthur and a friend of mine had knit him some hats. <br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-4652378223650902252012-10-24T16:39:00.000-07:002012-10-26T12:58:13.092-07:00Siblings<b>Day 24:</b> Siblings. I have no other children just Luke and Arthur. I do have four more frozen embryos so there is the potential for four more siblings, but realistically I know how hard it is for me to become pregnant that I sometimes wonder will it ever happen for us. I want siblings for Luke and Arthur so badly it makes me hurt each and every day.<br />
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I have one sister and two brothers. My sister has been a huge support to me over the past 10 months. This picture is of us in India, it was taken seven weeks after Arthur died. <br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-50654325771124939192012-10-23T14:57:00.001-07:002012-10-24T15:33:49.570-07:00Their name, their photo<br />
<b>Day 23</b>: Their name, their photo: Their names are Luke and Arthur Townsend. I have lots of the photos of
my boys, which I am truly grateful to have. I don't want to share them
here as I want to keep their photos private as that is all I have. I
have included their scan pictures, which represent the days of innocence, when I
believed I would give birth to my two beautiful babies and be able to
keep them.<br />
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These pictures represent the transformation
that has happened in my life, I once trusted this world but now I
question everything. I now feel unsafe as I know bad things can and do happen. How I wish I could go back
to this safe place and change the outcome. <br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-88137062352822216592012-10-22T16:20:00.002-07:002012-10-22T16:21:36.472-07:00Place of birth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Day 22</b>: Limerick Maternity Hospital. My babies were born in Limerick a city over two hours drive from my home. I was taken there by an ambulance as my local hospital does not have a neonatal unit. I remained in the hospital for five days until the twins were born. Arthur lived for two weeks and one day in the neonatal unit at this hospital.<br />
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The staff at the hospital were amazing, I was treated with such kindness and empathy. I don't know where to begin to thank the nurses who comforted me during the most difficult time of my life, the consultants that looked after me and hugged me after labor and the nurses in neonatal who cared for Arthur and provided us with lasting memories. This is the building, where my sons lived and died. <br />
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<img height="176" id="il_fi" src="http://www.obrienbuilders.ie/wp-content/gallery/limerick-maternity-hospital/limerick-maternity-hospital.jpg" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="320" />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-84979592915125937212012-10-21T09:12:00.002-07:002012-10-21T09:16:21.494-07:00Altar, Shrine, Sacred place<b>Day 21,</b> Altar Shrine, Sacred Place. This is the first place I see when I wake up in the morning and the last place I see before I sleep...<br />
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Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-90600916729107413382012-10-20T14:27:00.000-07:002012-10-20T14:42:00.068-07:00Charity<br />
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<b>Day: 20, </b>These are the three charity's that have supported me on this journey of grief.<br />
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A little lifetime foundation have offered me a lifeline. I have received support from them on their forum, parent support meetings and workshops.<br />
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Feileacain gave me the boys memory boxes at the hospital, which contained their teddies and blankets and a camera, which I used for Arthur while he was in neonatal. <br />
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Glow in the woods allowed me to connect with the wider baby loss community. I remember in the first few days after I lost Arthur I needed information on stopping lactation and baby loss and I found the answer on the glow in the woods website.<br />
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The people that run these charities are truly amazing and I am internally grateful for all the love and support that I have received. Also to all the baby loss mothers who are part of this community,thank you for listening to my story and for sharing yours. <br />
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<img alt="isands home page" src="http://www.alittlelifetime.ie/templates/pw_isands/images/header.png" /><br />
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<img alt="Feileacain" height="63" src="http://www.feileacain.ie/wp-content/themes/feileacain/img/logo.png" width="400" /><img alt="glow in the woods" id="banner" src="http://www.glowinthewoods.com/storage/glow-banner-2011.jpg" title="glow in the woods" />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-24360103406731888982012-10-19T07:51:00.002-07:002012-10-19T07:51:34.046-07:00Project <b>Day 19</b> Project<br />
I attended a workshop and made these two patches, which still remain unfinished. The patches are to be added to a quilt and the quilt is displayed at various events that take place around the country. It was the first workshop I attended and I went on my own, I found it extremely difficult, I was very nervous and cried for the first hour. My head was all over the place and I was telling my story and listening to the other mothers stories, so I wasn't doing much with the patch. Now that I have attended an event I feel a little more confident to attend another. <br />
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Normally I am a physical person and I enjoy recreation sport such as cycling, running and walking. I would like to get involved in a project or event to help raise money for the neonatal unit where Arthur lived. This is something I plan for the future. <br />
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<br />Mikahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09212217454247469739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4874812865976036628.post-76125067583861041032012-10-19T07:01:00.001-07:002012-10-19T07:23:15.927-07:00Family Portrait<b>Day 18</b> Family Portrait, This is a picture of our family album, it is the most precious item, which contains the photographs of our two beautiful sons Luke and Arthur. It was a gift to me from my partner, which I received on the babies due date. I love it and I love their photos. I also got photographs taken from the charity now I lay you down to sleep, which I only got two weeks ago, I was really thrown when I received them, they were taken the day before we cremated Luke.When I looked at the photos they made me cry as I didn't recognize myself. I was looking at grief head on and the emptiness in my soul was so exposed in all the photos, I found it hard to look at them so I put the photos away until I'm stronger. <br />
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