5 years old today

Happy Birthday Luke & Arthur, 5 years old today. As the years pass and I've become so busy with my toddler and twins.. Its hard to find the time and space for my first born twins. I dont know how I feel about that. Five years ago I could't think how I was going to live and here I am preparing for Santa and very much living. I am in a better place, I have completed my IVF journey, which is a huge relief and im healing. I'm sad that my boys did not have the opportunity to live and experience life but its very important that my living children have me present and living for them so this is my new journey.. I love been a mom and I love my children. We will always celebrate our boys life and my children will know their brothers. Today I feel good and im looking forward to our little family tradition of putting up our tree this weekend and our outing to the woods to visit the twins memorial tree. My children are healing me everyday xxx

A journey complete..

Over a year has passed since I have visited this site.. We celebrated our boys 4th birthday anniversary in the same way.. Visiting were we planted their memorial trees and putting up our Christmas tree..

This year we welcomed twin girls into the world.. I went back for another cycle of IVF and to our surprise we had twins again.. I was so afraid the entire pregnancy that something would happen but it turned out to be my easiest pregnancy yet.. Completely non eventful.. Cate & Emilia were born on the 19th October 2015.. Our family is complete and hectic!! It's been a long and very difficult journey and in 7 years I have had 9 IVF fresh/ frozen cycles and delivered 5 children.. But we have come to a place were we have our beautiful family.. 

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Luke and Arthur!! It has been 3 years at this very time that Luke was born and Arthur was on his way. I remember every detail, as though it happened yesterday. I cannot believe it has been 3 years, and I also cannot believe that it has been 1 year since I posted here about the twins. Only a few people rembered the twins birthday anniversary, but for the first time I am ok with that. I have come a long way over the past year. My grief has changed, if you were to say to me 3 years ago, that I would survive, the loss of my twin boys, I would not have heard you and would have been angry even at the suggestion. But here I stand, living, breathing and I must say happy. I feel I have been though an intence journey, it has been the hardest journey of my life, I'm still on it but now I feel lighter. A lot of the anger is gone, I no longer have fear, I remember at one point I was afraid of everything, people places, I avoided everything. Now all of that is gone. Even last year I still hadn't met with some people or gone back to my local shop, but this year I have. I feel strength instead of fear, which is a positive. I have come through it and I'm still standing.

I think of my boys often, I guess it helps that I have their ashes with me at home so I see them everyday. I shead tears often for them, but I continue on. I know that Eric my baby boy is the reason that I am coping so well, he brings us so much joy, the love I feel for him is endless. I am so thankful for everyday I have with him. I do have a lot of fear around Eric, this is something I need to work on, I fear something could happen to him and then what..

Today we usually follow a routine where we visit the boys trees and go for dinner and put up our tree, but unfortunately we have the winter vomiting bug in our house today. At first I was a bit disappointed as I felt that I was leaving the boys down on their birthday, but we will just postpone our little rituals for a few days. I have also undertaken a little project called teeny diapers. I have handmade 40 baby diapers Christmas decorations in memory of Luke and Arthur. I will send 30 to the neonatal unit where Arthur spent his little lifetime to put in the babies Christmas stockings. I will give ten to the people who were there for me to hang on their trees in memory of the boys. I will post a photo here during the week of the diapers, they are so cute. It's been quiet therapeutic making them a nice bit of time dedicated to my boys.

Over the last few months we decided to try one more IVF frozen cycle, my test date was yesterday and it was negative. We transferred 3 blasts, I was a little hopeful that this would work and be the end of the road for us on our IVF journey.I have been doing IVF cycles now for 7 years, I am now in my 40s and to be honest I'm tired of it but emotionally and financially. I'm not devasted at the negative as I have a living child it's not like having a failed cycle and having no children or after loosing two children. Now I just feel tired, I don't know what I will do next, another fresh cycle, and all the medication, scans and most of all the fear, I couldn't have twins again. Every time I go through a cycle I have a fear of twins. I would love a sister or brother for Eric, but then there is a sense of relief to just say stop. When is enough enough? If I said no more, I feel I could start new projects I have put on hold. There would be a sence of relief to say enough is enough, but am I ready to give up do I go one last time. Now my age is very much against me, but then if not now, then I will have no opportunity in a year or two. I need a couple of weeks over Christmas to decide. Throughout this journey I prayed for just one living child, and thankfully I was given that.

Arthur's Day

Tomorrow is Arthur's 2nd year anniversary.. I am thinking about him and his two weeks on this earth. I don't know how to spend his day. I feel the 13th the boys birthday is when I do something to remember both of them.. It's not like I won't be thinking of him all day tomorrow, I just don't have a ritual to do. Last year I was in middle of IVF. Eric was two cells old. I had so many emotions floating around. This year my little man is keeping me busy. 

I think tomorrow will be a day of quiet reflection in the midst of a normal day. 

My affirmation for tomorrow is forgiveness. Whilst I still struggle with this, I have become better and it is something I hope to work hard on in 2014. 

Arthur I love you. This time 2 years ago you were having a good night, I rang the hospital around 4am, they said you were quiet. You woke with an infection at 8am and you passed away at noon. It's like a dream, almost like it happened to someone else, but it happened to me and I am forever changed. 

Happy Birthday

 

Happy Birthday baby boys, if ye were alive ye would be two years old and our house would be manic. How I wish things could be different, how I long to hold both of you in my arms and shower you with kisses. I love you so much and you own my heart forever.

We celebrated your second birthday in a similar way as last year. We put our Christmas tree and put your decorations up first. Then we went to were we planted your trees. This year as we had Eric with us we couldn't climb the mountain but instead we went on a walk around the area. We stopped for hot ports and soaked up the Christmas atmosphere. We then went for a meal and had birthday cake. When we arrived home we switched on the Christmas lights. It was a perfect day to celebrate your little life times.

I always find the two weeks between Arthur's birth and death difficult. Lots of memories come flooding back. Last night I had some night terrors were I dreamt of dead babies. its been a long time since I had dreams like this. I was a little shaken when I awoke. Then I fear something will happen to Eric, but I guess that fear is always going to be there for any mother but is just a bit more pronounced as I now know how precious life is.

I participated in a workshop last night and made a beautiful Christmas table display for Luke and Arthur. The workshop is run by a local charity for baby loss. It the was lovely to make something for the twins and now they will be included and will be there in our minds on Christmas day.

I made up a Christmas package for the nurses in neonatal, that cared for Arthur. They have been wonderful and sent a lovely card and photo frame for Eric when he was born. I will always remember their kindness. I also sponsored a memory box to be donated to the hospital for another baby's parents.

I have met some wonderful people in the past two years, people that I would have never met if my twins were not born. I am grateful every day that even though they could not stay with me that they were and are a part of our lives. I love them to the moon and back..xx

Where has the time gone???

Its been a long time since I posted here. I think I was heading into hospital for observation last time I was on.I stopped posting as I had so much anxiety around my pregnancy I just couldn't face writing about anything. As I approach the twins second anniversary I felt compelled to visit this space so I can reflect on all that has happened over the past year.

Our son Eric was born on the 4th September 2013. He is perfect and our lives have changed forever. I love him more than anything and I am so thankful that he is here with us. There is a feeling of sadness too as now I can physically feel what I have missed out on with my twins. We are a family of 5, but only 3 of us here on this earth and I still miss the twins with all my heart. 

The last few months have been a whirl wind and I have no time to think. This is a good thing as my time is full of Eric. The twins anniversary is a few days away and as I reflect I can honestly say that I have thought about them every day over the past two years. They are with me all the time. 

I remember writing here last year and I was so lost. I didnt know if I would ever have children. I felt so empty and tired and angry. Throughout my pregnancy I stayed quiet resting and avoided most social events. I didn't want to face people and I was afraid something bad would happen. Then when Eric arrived everything changed. People came out of the woodwork to congratulate us, some whom I had spent a year upset about. I decided to forgive and to move forward as I do not want any negativity to surround Eric. I have been busy meeting people and participating in life again. Some times I feel like my old self again and I'm enjoying it. The dark place that I was in, is not so dark anymore. The birth of Eric has healed me, he is helping me to live again. 

Eric would not exist if our twins had lived, this is a hard concept to understand. They have given me Eric and for that I am truly thankful. People told me in the beginning of this grief journey that time would help the healing process. I believe now that this is true but what has helped more than anything is having my rainbow baby. I don't know if I would be as happy now if Eric was not with me. For me being childless was a huge emotional turmoil. I'm glad I did not give up on my dream as now I can experience the miracle of a little life and I feel for the first time that we are a family.

A week before Eric was born our 17 year old dog 'Mika' passed away. Mika was the closest we ever got to having a family.  Mika helped me hugely after the twins death as she got me out of bed and out walking. We had many scares over the past two years and were told several times that she didn't have long to live. But she lived and stayed with us up until the end. On her last week she stopped eating, its as if she knew it was her time to go and she gave us all she could. It was a hard week but then everything was accelerated and we then welcomed our new arrival and a new chapter in our lives.

I have been doing really well but this week I am finding it hard, lots of those memories of two years ago are flooding back. The what ifs and the what could have been.  I know the next 2 weeks I will be reliving a lot of memories but I will also be making new ones as it will be a first Christmas for Eric. I have decided that I will put up our Christmas tree on the 13th the day the twins were born and this will always be  a tradition in our home. I got some new decorations for the twins to put on our tree. I am hoping this will be a good and peaceful Christmas. On the 28th of December will be the anniversary of Arthur's passing and the 29th will mark the day that Eric was implanted on our last IVF treatment. What a difference a year can make..
Merry Christmas!!!!!

Hope

Hope according to Wikipedia, is the state which promotes the belief in a good outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Despair is often regarded as the opposite of hope. I know what despair feels like, I think anyone who has lost someone they love has felt despair. Despair is a dark lonely place where hope does not exist, in fact I don't think anything exists only darkness, heaviness and confusion.

I read yesterday that the Krim family, who lost their two children Lulu and Leo to tragic circumstances late last year, are expecting again. The family release a statement to say they have hope for the future. It really is   inspirational that a family that have endured such pain in such awful circumstances are feeling the hope in a new pregnancy and are looking to a brighter future.

I personally am still finding it difficult to be hopeful, I am still not convinced that I will have a good outcome, however I am not in despair either. So what am I thinking? I would like to be hopeful and at times I guess it is there. I allow myself to imagine me holding my baby and bringing it home and at last having a family. This week however  any glimmer of hope has taken a backseat, to an overwhelming feeling of nervousness. I feel like I have a big exam ahead of me and I'm waiting to sit it in 2 weeks time. My stomach is in knots in anticipation of reaching 24.5 weeks, the age of my twins when they were born. I have no control over these feelings, my head can say its irrational to be nervous this is a different pregnancy but my body has a mind of its own.

Then I think when and if I pass the 24.5 week mark, will I then have hope, and I fear the overwhelming answer is probably not.Why? Because, I know too much of what can go wrong at different stages of a pregnancy. I have met and read too many stories. However when you read of another family like the Krims who have and continue to struggle and still have a glimmer of hope, it makes me think maybe things will turn out OK, maybe I just need to believe it can happen to me.