It's been a while

Its been a while since I last wrote anything down. I have been avoiding it, I don't know why I just didn't want to write. I have had a hundred different moods and a lot of white noise inside my head. I also did another FET and am currently on another 2 week wait but I have a gut feeling it didn't work. I hope I am wrong and I am staying quiet relaxed, I just don't think a frozen transfer is as good as a fresh.

I transfered last Saturday, once again I traveled to Kiev on my own. The trip went well, the clinic defrosted six embryos to get the best two. They said they all defrosted well and they re-frosted four and then transfered two. I really wanted to transfer three as the odds are so much less for a frozen but I couldn't as I really don't want another high risk twin pregnancy. There is always hope, but I have already made plans to go again in October with a fresh cycle if I am unsuccessful. I just feel really tired of scans and medication and more scans. Its like a never ending saga!!!

I am back to work now two weeks and I called in sick this week because of the transfer. I am not happy to be back, I haven't gelled with anybody yet and spend most of my day wanting to go home. I don't think some of my co workers really get what has happened to me and I really don't care about their plans or what they are doing. I know I am being selfish but hey what are you going to do. I know that with the whole IVF process going on my mind is full so I really don't have time for others. I just want to be pregnant with a baby and that is where all my energy is directed. I just don't know when enough is enough.

I think DH is tired of it too, as I haven't been up to doing anything we are drifting a bit. DH has moved on, I know his heart is broken but he is coping much better on the outside anyway. During the whole IVF process and especially a frozen cycle DH has had very little involvement, so it is hard for him to really get the emotional roller coaster. It is completely understandable why we are in very different places. I just wish we weren't. I remember when the we were in the hospital room the night the twins were born, Luke was dead and Arthur was in neo natal, that night we were the most emotionally connected ever, it was like we were on a higher plane just the two us and our children. I guess that type type of extreme emotion can only last a short time and then we return to trying to get on with it..

I'm battling a lot over friendships at the moment, I know this has been a theme over the past few months but it is some of the white noise that is circling in my head. I would love to let it go so it doesn't take up so much head space.. I have had two friends who have been extremely good to me. My best friend has been good as well but she doesn't live nearby so I don't get to see her much. My cousin whom I thought was a friend has been awful,she called in February for half an hour that was it.. I got a few texts to meet for lunch and a happy birthday text. I grew up with this girl we are the same age we used to meet for lunch every second week, we socialized together, we were friends. I feel so betrayed. Now she wants to call at the weekend and to be honest I don't want to see her but I also know that I can't avoid her as we are family so we will meet. I am just so conflicted. I'm dreading meeting her, I will get my sister to be here as back up, I hope I can be polite, but I really don't feel like investing anything into this relationship. It just makes me sad, I have lost so much and I am still loosing, but at least I have control over this loss. I am also afraid that she is coming to tell me that she is pregnant as I know she has been actively trying.

I have quiet successfully sheltered myself from pregnancies, I don't mind seeing people I don't know but can't bear the thoughts of seeing people I do know. Its like a double edged sword, all I want is to be pregnant but I don't want to be around babies or pregnant women...

I went to a local support group to make patches for the twins for a national quilt that is displayed at different events. I still need to finish them, but I am delighted to have made something for the boys that will be displayed .. I will post here when I am finished. When I arrived at the group I just couldn't stop crying I found it so hard. The other mothers were fantastic, and it was great to connect face to face with other mothers.

The journey continues and my two peas in a pod are forever in my mind. I am hoping my 2 little embryos are developing, I test on the 28th of July so fingers crossed .. Somewhere in the photo there are 2 little embryos!!

Baby Arthur

It is six months today, that I said goodbye to my second born Arthur Townsend. I promised that I would have his story written for his six month mark but I have been unable to find the strength to do so.

 I loved that little man who stayed with us for two weeks and one day. It breaks my heart to think about him as we really got to know him. Today six months ago was the worst day of my life, we had lost one son and were barely surviving, we were kept going because we had a miracle baby, our second son. Then he died and our world came crashing down around us. Arthur's death was so sudden, like his birth. The day before he was doing well, he had a great night and within a few hours he was dead. Arthur died in my arms, he was not alone, his daddy didn't make the hospital on time. Nothing about his death seemed real and even thinking about it now at this moment, is heart breaking for me. My son died in my arms..

Arthur was perfect, he was a fighter, he beat the odds for two weeks, but he couldn't fight an infection which finally took him. I am still angry at everything, everyone and at the world for taking him. I am grateful that I had two weeks with him and that I held him, that I read him stories, I spoke to him, I changed him, I cleaned his face (he was the image of his daddy), I loved him...

Where am I today.. I am sad so very very  sad...

Here we go again

Today is the first day of trying to conceive again. I'm day one of my cycle and its all ahead of me, the scans, the transfer, the trip to Kiev, the two week wait and the pregnancy test...

Its been a testing week. I flew to Paris last Monday, it was a nice distraction but at times I wish I was at home in bed away from the world. I missed hubby, as I took the trip with a girlfriend. At times I felt hollow, or I was going through the motions, watching as a passerby. Watching the world continue on, the happy families visiting the sites. I wondered did they know pain, have they experienced loss.. I drank wine, I got emotional, I enjoyed the atmosphere, it rained (I loved it, as often I think it suits my mood), I was exhausted, it was a change. Now I am back and I'm day one of my cycle.

This time last year I was preparing for the cycle with the twins, I had egg collection on the 6th July and transfer on the 9th.. This transfer will be on the 12th or 13th of July. I was so innocent this time last year, hoping to get pregnant, thinking that was the hard part out of the way, not knowing what lay ahead. I was hopeful and a year on I still am as I don't think I would be trying again if I wasn't, but I am no longer innocent. I have fear, of what can go wrong and a knowledge that it can happen to me.

In the past year, I have know a mothers love, I have known a mothers greatest loss. I have lost friends and gained a deep closeness to others. I have reflected on what is important to me and what is not. I have taken time out from the fast pace of my life and I have slowed down. I feel a stronger love and a deeper understanding of my DH and I know I am with a wonderful, patient, man who will care for me in sickness and in health. I have experienced my greatest joy and my deepest sorry. I have experienced trauma, depression, loneliness, self hatred and a hatred of the world. In the past year I have grown up.

I start back to work tomorrow. I am dreading it, I have thought up of a thousand excuses to extend it another week. As I will need time off to scan this week, I may just go in for two days this week and then three days next week. I will have to wait and see how I feel in the morning. I know it will be good to get the first day over with and go from there, I just wish it wasn't tomorrow... I wish a lot of things but life continues on and time does not stand still.

Emptiness & Plenitude

I'm heading to Paris tomorrow for four nights.. and when I come back I will be preparing to go back to work. I look forward to the trip as it is a distraction and anything that distracts is a good thing. I really don't want to think of going back to work, but thankfully it is only for a three day a week initially. I wrote to a friend from Paris who I met 20 years ago, hoping that we may meet up, unfortunately he is not in Paris at the moment. He wrote a lovely e-mail expressing his sorrow at our loss and attached this poem, which I would like to share...



It is by an Irish writer called John O Donohue.
He quotes this poem by Norman MacCaig called,

'Presents'

I give you an emptiness,
I give you a plenitude,
Unwrap them carefully.
-one's as fragile as the other-
And when you thank me
I'll pretend not to notice the doubt in your voice
when you say they're just what you wanted.
Put them on the table by your bed.
When you wake in the morning
they'll have gone through the door of sleep
into your head.
Wherever you go
they'll go with you and
wherever you are you'll wonder,
smiling about the fullness
you can't add to and the emptiness
that you can fill.

O'Dononhue then comments:
'This beautiful poem suggests the dual rhythm of emptiness and plenitude at the heart of the life of the soul. Nothingness is the sister of possibility. It makes an urgent space for that which is new, surprising, and unexpected. When you feel nothingness and emptiness gnawing at your life, there is no need to despair. This is a call from your soul, awakening your life to new possibilities. It is also a sign that your soul longs to transfigure the nothingness of your death into the fullness of a life eternal, which no death can ever touch.

six months

Six months yesterday since my precious angles were born and Luke our first child died.. I had a mixed day, I cried a little and read over all the old posts I had written on a support forum I am a member of. It made me very sad, I have moved on a bit from the early days but not as much as I thought I would have. I still have a lot of anger but in the midst of everything there is some happy times too but overall there is a sadness.

In the afternoon we visited Killarney national park, it is an hour from my home. We plan to plant two trees there in honor of the twins for their first anniversary, so we were checking it out.. It is beautiful and well looked after, we went on a walk through the forest which I enjoyed. I look forward to visiting there in the future when the trees are planted and hope that this will be a place where I will be close to nature and my boys.. The planting season is in the Autumn so then we can visit on the boys first anniversary.

Today I am tired. I have found that the days after a milestone much harder than the day of the event. I guess I am feeling emotionally drained.. So today I am having a bed day, thankfully the weather is bad, it kinda suits my mood. I will be back in work in a little over a week so days where I can just take time out from the world, will be less. I guess that will be another milestone.

I had my scan on Monday,the results were good my lining is at 11mm. I got my smear results back today and all is normal. So I got the go ahead I take my decap injection tomorrow and start taking Trental. So its a case of here we go again. Another blog I read ( if you read this Eylce, congratulations) has made me feel positive about why I am trying again..its so nice to see positive results even if the road ahead is uncertain... My consultant for the scan was also really positive, she said that she feels that there is no other reason why she thinks the scan didn't work other than it was a FET and the statistics are less. My consultant hasn't charged me for the scans from my last cycle or this cycle. I asked to pay her as I feel guilty going there for free, but she said that she sees me as an investment, she is so confident that I will become pregnant again. Then she said I will come back to her and she will take good care of me.. I left there in a positive mood, which believe me was needed. This transfer will be FET but I want to use up remaining embroys and the next tranfer will be fresh, so fingers crossed...

Sight seeing

I have been really busy this past week.. we have visitors and we have been touring around with them, they stay for another week. Then I take a short break in Paris for three days and I go back to work, which I am dreading..Everything seems to be happening together, six months of doing nothing and then all of a sudden I have lots of things to do..

I have had a lot of firsts lately,they are small things but big steps for me.. I met the man who delivers vegetables to her house for the first time last Monday. It sounds crazy but I have been avoiding him. I then met my godchild, I love her to pieces but another situation I avoided. I went for my fist cycle locally today with a friend, I met a neighbor who lost her baby years ago due to SIDS, it was hard but it is done. I just find facing situations hard, but I know I have to do it sooner or later. My mood is a little brighter after cycle, its good to do something. Its all baby steps.

I have a scan on Monday, and I take decap injection on Friday and then start planning for another frozen transfer around the 14th July... I will be back at work at this stage, but only plan to work a three day week at the beginning. We will find this financially difficult but I feel that its important that I have time off in the beginning as some days I am emotionally all over the place. I plan to go back fulltime in October, but would love to be pregnant by then. Still dreaming of that take home baby...

Once our friends have left I am going to get forms together for adoption and hopefully start that process, so lots of plans... Hopefully we will have some positive outcomes somewhere in our future!!!

Sleep

I'm having trouble sleeping.. This is new to me as I always slept and slept well... It isn't bothering me too much it's just part of my new life..

Our friends arrived today and some more tomorrow.. We spent the past two weeks getting the place ready and put in a new bathroom... We were so busy which was good as I was a bit distracted but then we finished and I just broke down ... Sometimes I just get so sad... I feel a bit overwhelmed now with people in the house and things to organise.. But I want these people to be here, they were good to me after the babies died... It's just a lot all of a sudden.. I have gone from doing nothing mode to being busy...

Since the babies died I have tried to stay away from social networks.. I really don't want to see how happy everyone else is when I am so sad.. But tonight in my insomnia I had a peek and now I wish I hadn't.. Pictures of babies and happy people is just depressing.. So lesson learnt I will stay away from Facebook...

In my breakdown mode I asked hubby will I ever be happy again.. Will I always feel like this... Sad unhappy and waiting.. I read somewhere during the week that often baby loss mothers feel they are waiting for their future as all their plans were wrenched away from them and it's a limbo.. I can really resonate with this feeling.. No future just a feeling that nothing is happening.. IVF isn't working unsure of what will happen next!! Waiting for a future..

One good thing that happened this week is that my best friend had some elderly people from the local community knit blankets, hats and cardigans for the neonatal were Arthur lived for two weeks... She sent them off during week and got a lovely reply to say that all the nurses said hi and will always remember the babies... The sad thing is they are the only ones to remember the babies as nobody else met them..

I wish this post wasn't so depressing but it is an accumulation of feelings that I need to let out.. I miss my babies so much.. It makes me so angry....