I am taking a few days off work after I had my hysteroscopy last Friday. The procedure went well and they found nothing wrong. The consultant did say that part of my lining was a bit thick so they biopsied it and I will get the results during the week. So another bridge crossed. To be honest I was hoping they would find something so I would have a reason for my last two failed cycles. I know that it is better to find nothing but its frustrating as there is nothing I can fix.
I have had a hard week, felt down haven't been doing much, still spending a lot of time at home, then a friend from my days of living in the America came to visit and it really picked me up. I am really grateful, to feel a bit of life in me again. I had a nice few days, eating ice cream, getting out for walks and chatting.The first day was a long chat about the boys and a good cry and then I had a bit of fun. It is nice to have a bit of fun, to feel light, to feel motivated.
One of our conversations stuck with me, I was explaining how low I have felt in this grief, the lack of control over my life and its outcomes have been difficult to bear. I have always seen myself as a cautious person but sociable and determined. In our conversation it is evident at how lost I am, how different I am and how much I don't care about things, I thought were important. We talked about depression. I work with people with depression and in my family members suffer from depression but I never really truly understood what was going on for these people. Now I know, it is dark feeling. I see people around me who seem happy and are doing stuff and are living and I feel dissociated from them and their world, I feel like I have nothing in common, I am alone, my world is so far away and so much darker.
I know that I have been and perhaps still am depressed. I have had an insight into a dark part of my soul. It is OK to feel like this, after all I have something to be depressed about, but I also need to make goals to allow myself some light time. I use the term light as depression is heavy and it is tiring. My friend said it would be an idea to start making some goals to achieve steps to move forward. I have been told this in the past and I have told myself that, and I have done it, but then I lose my way again. The failed cycles have been really difficult and painful. It takes time to get back up after such hard knocks, but I will.
So today my friend is gone, and I am still off work, I walked in the rain and it felt good. I felt good for doing it. It was my chicken soup for the soul. I need to push myself a bit more, I need to do a bit more outside of thinking about IVF, tests and babies. I dreamt about having a baby last night and it felt OK. Tomorrow I am getting my immune bloods done, another test off the list and on Friday I will meet another baby loss mum and go for a nice long walk.
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Saturday, 11 August 2012
What next?
I have taken a break over the past week from thinking about fertility
treatments. We decided to go away for a few days and tour around
Ireland. It was a well needed break and gave us time together to
reconnect. I find at home, I have gotten in to a bit of a rut. I did
two fertility treatments back to back and thus I limited my activity and people
whom I saw, so my life was put on hold . Now I don't know what to
do with myself so the best thing I could think of was to run away for a
few days and sightsee.
We visited the rock of Cashel, which is a castle and a cathedral built on a rock. It was the home of the kings of Munster, which is the area of Ireland that I am from. There was an old graveyard attached to the cathedral, which I found myself wandering around. I stopped at graves were babies were buried, and wondered what their story was, I feel a huge amount of empathy for all these babies who never got a chance to live. It was sad but also cathartic.
We then went on to visit Newgrange, which is a world heritage site, built 5000 years ago. The site is a place for ritual and burial. The ancient people used to cremate their dead and place them the chamber in the center of the structure. On the shortest day of the year light from the morning sunrise enters the chamber. The site represents the living and the dead. There are symbols of fertility positioned around the site, life and death side by side. These ancient people did not live long lives, most died by the age of 40 and the infant mortality rate was extremely high. These people built this amazing structure to worship their dead, whilst celebrating life. I wear a locket with some Luke and Arthur's ashes in, so whilst in the chamber I was compelled to leave a few grains of their ashes alongside these ancient people. It is a little ritual for me to participate in, which I guess is all part of the healing process.
Now I am back home and once more fertility treatments become the main agenda, what next? I have decided to do another fresh cycle. I am going to get a hysteroscopy before the cycle as I want to ensure that the inside of my uterus is OK. After I gave birth to the boys part of my placenta retained, so I had a manual removal and a DNC.The procedures went well, but I want to check to see if there was any scaring. I have asked to get a biopsy while they are in there and I hope to get tested for NK killer cells. I have also decided to get some immune bloods done. I was given a list of bloods to check, I have had some of the blood work done already but what I will get this time is Anti-Thyroglobulin Ab, Anti-Histone Antibodies, Anti Throperoxidase Ab and Anti Nuclear Antibodies. Then if all is clear I will do the fresh cycle in either October or November. My clinic is not recommending the blood tests, but at this stage, I have done every test in the book except these so my thought is this time I might as well throw the kitchen sink at it. If something shows up at least I have a better understanding, and if all is clear I know in my heart I have left no stone unturned.
I must admit I am weary of all these treatments, I am tired and I feel my life is on hold. The truth is right now I don't have a life, which I know is not healthy. I have also been goggling, when do you decide to end fertility treatments and from the suggestions that others have written, I am getting close to that place. I hate having to wait again to do the treatment, but in another breath I need the time as I am so broken after the last one. I have always found fertility treatments hard but since loosing the twins it is now so much harder.
Epictetus,' One must not tie a ship to a single anchor, nor life to a single hope'...
We visited the rock of Cashel, which is a castle and a cathedral built on a rock. It was the home of the kings of Munster, which is the area of Ireland that I am from. There was an old graveyard attached to the cathedral, which I found myself wandering around. I stopped at graves were babies were buried, and wondered what their story was, I feel a huge amount of empathy for all these babies who never got a chance to live. It was sad but also cathartic.
We then went on to visit Newgrange, which is a world heritage site, built 5000 years ago. The site is a place for ritual and burial. The ancient people used to cremate their dead and place them the chamber in the center of the structure. On the shortest day of the year light from the morning sunrise enters the chamber. The site represents the living and the dead. There are symbols of fertility positioned around the site, life and death side by side. These ancient people did not live long lives, most died by the age of 40 and the infant mortality rate was extremely high. These people built this amazing structure to worship their dead, whilst celebrating life. I wear a locket with some Luke and Arthur's ashes in, so whilst in the chamber I was compelled to leave a few grains of their ashes alongside these ancient people. It is a little ritual for me to participate in, which I guess is all part of the healing process.
Now I am back home and once more fertility treatments become the main agenda, what next? I have decided to do another fresh cycle. I am going to get a hysteroscopy before the cycle as I want to ensure that the inside of my uterus is OK. After I gave birth to the boys part of my placenta retained, so I had a manual removal and a DNC.The procedures went well, but I want to check to see if there was any scaring. I have asked to get a biopsy while they are in there and I hope to get tested for NK killer cells. I have also decided to get some immune bloods done. I was given a list of bloods to check, I have had some of the blood work done already but what I will get this time is Anti-Thyroglobulin Ab, Anti-Histone Antibodies, Anti Throperoxidase Ab and Anti Nuclear Antibodies. Then if all is clear I will do the fresh cycle in either October or November. My clinic is not recommending the blood tests, but at this stage, I have done every test in the book except these so my thought is this time I might as well throw the kitchen sink at it. If something shows up at least I have a better understanding, and if all is clear I know in my heart I have left no stone unturned.
I must admit I am weary of all these treatments, I am tired and I feel my life is on hold. The truth is right now I don't have a life, which I know is not healthy. I have also been goggling, when do you decide to end fertility treatments and from the suggestions that others have written, I am getting close to that place. I hate having to wait again to do the treatment, but in another breath I need the time as I am so broken after the last one. I have always found fertility treatments hard but since loosing the twins it is now so much harder.
Epictetus,' One must not tie a ship to a single anchor, nor life to a single hope'...
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
One more time
Well its all come to an end once more.. I tested on Saturday and it was a BFN.. I am sick of writing that word. I became a little bit crazy on Saturday, I spent the whole day on the internet trying to make sense of why my embryos are not taking and where do I go from here.. Before the transfer I had decided to try another fresh cycle, but I want to ensure that if I go again that I am giving myself the best opportunity to succeed.. I didn't grieve on Saturday, in fact I didn't think at all, but then on Sunday it hit me harder than ever before, I was numb, silent and in pain. I spent Sunday and Monday in a daze, it felt like an out of body experience, things happening around me but I was somewhere else observing from afar. Today I am finding my way back to myself but it isn't easy. I am filled with fear about the future and what will happen next.
Last night I dreamt that I was traveling on a boat with my DH and some other passengers. I went to the bow of the boat and could see that a ship had been shipwrecked ahead of us. The ship was sitting on top of huge boulders and the waves were crashing all around. As we approached, a huge wave lifted the ship off the rocks and and it came crashing down on the boat we were in. I was screaming we need to jump, we need to get off this boat. I ran pulling my DH behind me (if it was real, I don't think that part would be true!!). When we reached the stern of the boat we jumped holding on to each other. The boat was sliced in half and was sinking, we were trying to keep our heads above water, I went down a few times but reached the surface again, it was so frightening.. we were close to the shore so with all our strength we started swimming. Witnesses on the shore waded into the water to help people, a couple carrying a baby pulled me and my DH out.. we were saved.. Now analyze that !!!
After some research on Google, this explanation makes the most sense to me.When you are drowning in your dreams, it is likely, you feel out of control in real life. You are overwhelmed with your current situation. In fact, you are so overwhelmed that your troubles are figuratively drowning you. You are sinking further into debt, experiencing lack of progression or even depression. Dreaming of drowning with a loved one often means that you are not just overwhelmed. It could mean you feel someone else is being affected by your lack of competence. In other words, you are drowning and taking them down with you, or vice versa. I think Freud may have a different perspective but this makes sense to me. I'm not sure what to make of the second part of my dream. We did start swimming and saved ourselves and were helped by a family and a baby, which perhaps symbolizes that by persevering we will get to our ultimate goal of having a baby.
So where do we go from here, I emailed my clinic this morning and they didn't recommend any more tests but felt that a fresh cycle would give better results. I asked them about doing Immune bloods, and a procedure called IMSI, which is similar to ICSI, where they select the best sperm but in IMSI it is magnified 6000 times. I received an e-mail back and they said that the sperm was fine and they didn't recommend the immune testing. I have a consultant here in Ireland who is away on holidays at the moment but when she returns I will put those questions to her. I am going to take a few weeks at a less frantic pace and see what if any tests I will do, but will try again in October. I am aware it may fail again in October but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.. I found a great quote that seems fitting to my current situation 'Our weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try one more time' Thomas Edison.
Last night I dreamt that I was traveling on a boat with my DH and some other passengers. I went to the bow of the boat and could see that a ship had been shipwrecked ahead of us. The ship was sitting on top of huge boulders and the waves were crashing all around. As we approached, a huge wave lifted the ship off the rocks and and it came crashing down on the boat we were in. I was screaming we need to jump, we need to get off this boat. I ran pulling my DH behind me (if it was real, I don't think that part would be true!!). When we reached the stern of the boat we jumped holding on to each other. The boat was sliced in half and was sinking, we were trying to keep our heads above water, I went down a few times but reached the surface again, it was so frightening.. we were close to the shore so with all our strength we started swimming. Witnesses on the shore waded into the water to help people, a couple carrying a baby pulled me and my DH out.. we were saved.. Now analyze that !!!
After some research on Google, this explanation makes the most sense to me.When you are drowning in your dreams, it is likely, you feel out of control in real life. You are overwhelmed with your current situation. In fact, you are so overwhelmed that your troubles are figuratively drowning you. You are sinking further into debt, experiencing lack of progression or even depression. Dreaming of drowning with a loved one often means that you are not just overwhelmed. It could mean you feel someone else is being affected by your lack of competence. In other words, you are drowning and taking them down with you, or vice versa. I think Freud may have a different perspective but this makes sense to me. I'm not sure what to make of the second part of my dream. We did start swimming and saved ourselves and were helped by a family and a baby, which perhaps symbolizes that by persevering we will get to our ultimate goal of having a baby.
So where do we go from here, I emailed my clinic this morning and they didn't recommend any more tests but felt that a fresh cycle would give better results. I asked them about doing Immune bloods, and a procedure called IMSI, which is similar to ICSI, where they select the best sperm but in IMSI it is magnified 6000 times. I received an e-mail back and they said that the sperm was fine and they didn't recommend the immune testing. I have a consultant here in Ireland who is away on holidays at the moment but when she returns I will put those questions to her. I am going to take a few weeks at a less frantic pace and see what if any tests I will do, but will try again in October. I am aware it may fail again in October but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.. I found a great quote that seems fitting to my current situation 'Our weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try one more time' Thomas Edison.
Monday, 23 July 2012
5 days to go
I have five days left before I test and I have no symptoms.. a few cramps from the progesterone. I wish the time would go quickly but on the other hand I don't want my hope to be taken away so I am glad of this time. I wish I was positive but I am struggling to find that positivity.
My cousin called on Sunday, and it was OK. We engaged in general chit chat but she never mentioned the twins, how the past few months have been for me or how was I feeling. It wasn't worth trying to make an issue of it, and now I am glad as it allows me to move on. We will always be related, we will see each other and thats OK. Our relationship will probably remain the same, I just perhaps thought it was something different.
A neighbor dropped by last Friday, she has lost two of her sons to tragedies one at 3 years old and the other in his late twenties. I never had any contact with her previously, but as we sat in the living room our two souls could understand each other. I am really grateful to her for making space for me and asking about my boys, when her own losses are unimaginable. I could speak freely to her about the birth and about all of little Arthur's milestones in neonatal. One thing that struck me is she was genuinely interested in talking about the boys and telling me of her experience of grief. When she asked to see some photos of the boys, I was delighted to pull out their album as I don't show many people that visit their photos. I am very grateful that I had that opportunity to sit with her and talk so openly. Afterwards I was shattered and emotional but it was good.
Lately I have been finding white feathers. A forum that I frequent, discusses white feathers as a sign of our children reminding us that they are near. I really like this idea. I don't remember ever seeing feathers before but now I am finding them and it is a good feeling. Today I picked one up as I was walking into work just lying on the street. I'm not sure what I believe in or where we go after we die, but the white feathers put Luke and Arthur at the forefront of my mind and that makes me smile. I have kept the feathers and placed them in the boys memory boxes to hopefully one day put in their scrap book.
My cousin called on Sunday, and it was OK. We engaged in general chit chat but she never mentioned the twins, how the past few months have been for me or how was I feeling. It wasn't worth trying to make an issue of it, and now I am glad as it allows me to move on. We will always be related, we will see each other and thats OK. Our relationship will probably remain the same, I just perhaps thought it was something different.
A neighbor dropped by last Friday, she has lost two of her sons to tragedies one at 3 years old and the other in his late twenties. I never had any contact with her previously, but as we sat in the living room our two souls could understand each other. I am really grateful to her for making space for me and asking about my boys, when her own losses are unimaginable. I could speak freely to her about the birth and about all of little Arthur's milestones in neonatal. One thing that struck me is she was genuinely interested in talking about the boys and telling me of her experience of grief. When she asked to see some photos of the boys, I was delighted to pull out their album as I don't show many people that visit their photos. I am very grateful that I had that opportunity to sit with her and talk so openly. Afterwards I was shattered and emotional but it was good.
Lately I have been finding white feathers. A forum that I frequent, discusses white feathers as a sign of our children reminding us that they are near. I really like this idea. I don't remember ever seeing feathers before but now I am finding them and it is a good feeling. Today I picked one up as I was walking into work just lying on the street. I'm not sure what I believe in or where we go after we die, but the white feathers put Luke and Arthur at the forefront of my mind and that makes me smile. I have kept the feathers and placed them in the boys memory boxes to hopefully one day put in their scrap book.
Thursday, 19 July 2012
It's been a while
Its been a while since I last wrote anything down. I have been avoiding it, I don't know why I just didn't want to write. I have had a hundred different moods and a lot of white noise inside my head. I also did another FET and am currently on another 2 week wait but I have a gut feeling it didn't work. I hope I am wrong and I am staying quiet relaxed, I just don't think a frozen transfer is as good as a fresh.
I transfered last Saturday, once again I traveled to Kiev on my own. The trip went well, the clinic defrosted six embryos to get the best two. They said they all defrosted well and they re-frosted four and then transfered two. I really wanted to transfer three as the odds are so much less for a frozen but I couldn't as I really don't want another high risk twin pregnancy. There is always hope, but I have already made plans to go again in October with a fresh cycle if I am unsuccessful. I just feel really tired of scans and medication and more scans. Its like a never ending saga!!!
I am back to work now two weeks and I called in sick this week because of the transfer. I am not happy to be back, I haven't gelled with anybody yet and spend most of my day wanting to go home. I don't think some of my co workers really get what has happened to me and I really don't care about their plans or what they are doing. I know I am being selfish but hey what are you going to do. I know that with the whole IVF process going on my mind is full so I really don't have time for others. I just want to be pregnant with a baby and that is where all my energy is directed. I just don't know when enough is enough.
I think DH is tired of it too, as I haven't been up to doing anything we are drifting a bit. DH has moved on, I know his heart is broken but he is coping much better on the outside anyway. During the whole IVF process and especially a frozen cycle DH has had very little involvement, so it is hard for him to really get the emotional roller coaster. It is completely understandable why we are in very different places. I just wish we weren't. I remember when the we were in the hospital room the night the twins were born, Luke was dead and Arthur was in neo natal, that night we were the most emotionally connected ever, it was like we were on a higher plane just the two us and our children. I guess that type type of extreme emotion can only last a short time and then we return to trying to get on with it..
I'm battling a lot over friendships at the moment, I know this has been a theme over the past few months but it is some of the white noise that is circling in my head. I would love to let it go so it doesn't take up so much head space.. I have had two friends who have been extremely good to me. My best friend has been good as well but she doesn't live nearby so I don't get to see her much. My cousin whom I thought was a friend has been awful,she called in February for half an hour that was it.. I got a few texts to meet for lunch and a happy birthday text. I grew up with this girl we are the same age we used to meet for lunch every second week, we socialized together, we were friends. I feel so betrayed. Now she wants to call at the weekend and to be honest I don't want to see her but I also know that I can't avoid her as we are family so we will meet. I am just so conflicted. I'm dreading meeting her, I will get my sister to be here as back up, I hope I can be polite, but I really don't feel like investing anything into this relationship. It just makes me sad, I have lost so much and I am still loosing, but at least I have control over this loss. I am also afraid that she is coming to tell me that she is pregnant as I know she has been actively trying.
I have quiet successfully sheltered myself from pregnancies, I don't mind seeing people I don't know but can't bear the thoughts of seeing people I do know. Its like a double edged sword, all I want is to be pregnant but I don't want to be around babies or pregnant women...
I went to a local support group to make patches for the twins for a national quilt that is displayed at different events. I still need to finish them, but I am delighted to have made something for the boys that will be displayed .. I will post here when I am finished. When I arrived at the group I just couldn't stop crying I found it so hard. The other mothers were fantastic, and it was great to connect face to face with other mothers.
The journey continues and my two peas in a pod are forever in my mind. I am hoping my 2 little embryos are developing, I test on the 28th of July so fingers crossed .. Somewhere in the photo there are 2 little embryos!!
I transfered last Saturday, once again I traveled to Kiev on my own. The trip went well, the clinic defrosted six embryos to get the best two. They said they all defrosted well and they re-frosted four and then transfered two. I really wanted to transfer three as the odds are so much less for a frozen but I couldn't as I really don't want another high risk twin pregnancy. There is always hope, but I have already made plans to go again in October with a fresh cycle if I am unsuccessful. I just feel really tired of scans and medication and more scans. Its like a never ending saga!!!
I am back to work now two weeks and I called in sick this week because of the transfer. I am not happy to be back, I haven't gelled with anybody yet and spend most of my day wanting to go home. I don't think some of my co workers really get what has happened to me and I really don't care about their plans or what they are doing. I know I am being selfish but hey what are you going to do. I know that with the whole IVF process going on my mind is full so I really don't have time for others. I just want to be pregnant with a baby and that is where all my energy is directed. I just don't know when enough is enough.
I think DH is tired of it too, as I haven't been up to doing anything we are drifting a bit. DH has moved on, I know his heart is broken but he is coping much better on the outside anyway. During the whole IVF process and especially a frozen cycle DH has had very little involvement, so it is hard for him to really get the emotional roller coaster. It is completely understandable why we are in very different places. I just wish we weren't. I remember when the we were in the hospital room the night the twins were born, Luke was dead and Arthur was in neo natal, that night we were the most emotionally connected ever, it was like we were on a higher plane just the two us and our children. I guess that type type of extreme emotion can only last a short time and then we return to trying to get on with it..
I'm battling a lot over friendships at the moment, I know this has been a theme over the past few months but it is some of the white noise that is circling in my head. I would love to let it go so it doesn't take up so much head space.. I have had two friends who have been extremely good to me. My best friend has been good as well but she doesn't live nearby so I don't get to see her much. My cousin whom I thought was a friend has been awful,she called in February for half an hour that was it.. I got a few texts to meet for lunch and a happy birthday text. I grew up with this girl we are the same age we used to meet for lunch every second week, we socialized together, we were friends. I feel so betrayed. Now she wants to call at the weekend and to be honest I don't want to see her but I also know that I can't avoid her as we are family so we will meet. I am just so conflicted. I'm dreading meeting her, I will get my sister to be here as back up, I hope I can be polite, but I really don't feel like investing anything into this relationship. It just makes me sad, I have lost so much and I am still loosing, but at least I have control over this loss. I am also afraid that she is coming to tell me that she is pregnant as I know she has been actively trying.
I have quiet successfully sheltered myself from pregnancies, I don't mind seeing people I don't know but can't bear the thoughts of seeing people I do know. Its like a double edged sword, all I want is to be pregnant but I don't want to be around babies or pregnant women...
I went to a local support group to make patches for the twins for a national quilt that is displayed at different events. I still need to finish them, but I am delighted to have made something for the boys that will be displayed .. I will post here when I am finished. When I arrived at the group I just couldn't stop crying I found it so hard. The other mothers were fantastic, and it was great to connect face to face with other mothers.
The journey continues and my two peas in a pod are forever in my mind. I am hoping my 2 little embryos are developing, I test on the 28th of July so fingers crossed .. Somewhere in the photo there are 2 little embryos!!
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Baby Arthur
It is six months today, that I said goodbye to my second born Arthur Townsend. I promised that I would have his story written for his six month mark but I have been unable to find the strength to do so.
I loved that little man who stayed with us for two weeks and one day. It breaks my heart to think about him as we really got to know him. Today six months ago was the worst day of my life, we had lost one son and were barely surviving, we were kept going because we had a miracle baby, our second son. Then he died and our world came crashing down around us. Arthur's death was so sudden, like his birth. The day before he was doing well, he had a great night and within a few hours he was dead. Arthur died in my arms, he was not alone, his daddy didn't make the hospital on time. Nothing about his death seemed real and even thinking about it now at this moment, is heart breaking for me. My son died in my arms..
Arthur was perfect, he was a fighter, he beat the odds for two weeks, but he couldn't fight an infection which finally took him. I am still angry at everything, everyone and at the world for taking him. I am grateful that I had two weeks with him and that I held him, that I read him stories, I spoke to him, I changed him, I cleaned his face (he was the image of his daddy), I loved him...
Where am I today.. I am sad so very very sad...
I loved that little man who stayed with us for two weeks and one day. It breaks my heart to think about him as we really got to know him. Today six months ago was the worst day of my life, we had lost one son and were barely surviving, we were kept going because we had a miracle baby, our second son. Then he died and our world came crashing down around us. Arthur's death was so sudden, like his birth. The day before he was doing well, he had a great night and within a few hours he was dead. Arthur died in my arms, he was not alone, his daddy didn't make the hospital on time. Nothing about his death seemed real and even thinking about it now at this moment, is heart breaking for me. My son died in my arms..
Arthur was perfect, he was a fighter, he beat the odds for two weeks, but he couldn't fight an infection which finally took him. I am still angry at everything, everyone and at the world for taking him. I am grateful that I had two weeks with him and that I held him, that I read him stories, I spoke to him, I changed him, I cleaned his face (he was the image of his daddy), I loved him...
Where am I today.. I am sad so very very sad...
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