Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Music
Day 29 Music, this album, doesn't remind of the twins, but it reminds me of the time I lost the twins. I listened to this album everyday for about two months after I lost Luke and Arthur. I remember when I had the energy to go for a walk I would put on my head phones on and I would just walk and listen to my i pod full blast. I think now and into the future it will always remind me of that time in my life and probably take me to that place again.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Memory
Day 28 Memory, All I can think of is the blackness, the despair, that I felt over the past 10 months. This photo represents were I have been and where I am trying to crawl out of, it represents what I have lost and the hopelessness I have felt. It is a negative memory but unfortunately it overrides everything.
I do have some positive memories, I met my two beautiful sons, I loved them. I got to know my son Arthur, I held him, I read him stories. I experienced being a mother for a moment. I have had supportive people around me. I have created memories of my boys. I have laughed, I have cried.
But overall the underlying theme is one of sadness....
I do have some positive memories, I met my two beautiful sons, I loved them. I got to know my son Arthur, I held him, I read him stories. I experienced being a mother for a moment. I have had supportive people around me. I have created memories of my boys. I have laughed, I have cried.
But overall the underlying theme is one of sadness....
Artwork
Day 27 Artwork,
I don't have a piece of artwork for the boys. I do love art and we have some beautiful pieces in our home. The pieces of art we own all come with a story and have a meaning to us, so hopefully I will find something that will encompass the boys story or bring me solace when I look at it. But for now I have picked two wind chimes that were given to me by a dear friend one for each of the boys. The chimes hang in the boys room. Their room is bare, and I rarely go into it as it is a constant reminder of what I have lost.
I don't have a piece of artwork for the boys. I do love art and we have some beautiful pieces in our home. The pieces of art we own all come with a story and have a meaning to us, so hopefully I will find something that will encompass the boys story or bring me solace when I look at it. But for now I have picked two wind chimes that were given to me by a dear friend one for each of the boys. The chimes hang in the boys room. Their room is bare, and I rarely go into it as it is a constant reminder of what I have lost.
Friday, 26 October 2012
Their Age
Day 26: Their Age, Luke was 24.5 weeks gestation when he was stillborn. What is really sad is he had a heartbeat up until his birth. Nobody knows what happened him but I was told he was the comprised twin and therefore must have experienced stress during the birth.
Arthur lived for 2 weeks and 1 day in the neonatal unit, we had two birthdays for him we celebrated his first and second week of life.
Arthur lived for 2 weeks and 1 day in the neonatal unit, we had two birthdays for him we celebrated his first and second week of life.
Baby Shower/ Blessing
Day 25: Baby Shower Blessing
We don't generally do baby showers here in Ireland and I didn't buy anything before the babies were born. I was looking at the prams and cots but I would have got them closer to their due date. I was given a moses basket at around 18 weeks, but I put it away and it is still away.
When Arthur was in neonatal, we were advised to get some books and to read him stories. We got him books as well for his Christmas present. On Christmas morning when we arrived into neonatal, Arthur had his own Christmas stocking full of goodies, hats, shoes, blankets and clothes. I was also given a beautiful blanket with Arthur's name on it, I wrapped Arthur in it and this is what he was cremated in. I was given some clothes for Arthur and a friend of mine had knit him some hats.
We don't generally do baby showers here in Ireland and I didn't buy anything before the babies were born. I was looking at the prams and cots but I would have got them closer to their due date. I was given a moses basket at around 18 weeks, but I put it away and it is still away.
When Arthur was in neonatal, we were advised to get some books and to read him stories. We got him books as well for his Christmas present. On Christmas morning when we arrived into neonatal, Arthur had his own Christmas stocking full of goodies, hats, shoes, blankets and clothes. I was also given a beautiful blanket with Arthur's name on it, I wrapped Arthur in it and this is what he was cremated in. I was given some clothes for Arthur and a friend of mine had knit him some hats.
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
Siblings
Day 24: Siblings. I have no other children just Luke and Arthur. I do have four more frozen embryos so there is the potential for four more siblings, but realistically I know how hard it is for me to become pregnant that I sometimes wonder will it ever happen for us. I want siblings for Luke and Arthur so badly it makes me hurt each and every day.
I have one sister and two brothers. My sister has been a huge support to me over the past 10 months. This picture is of us in India, it was taken seven weeks after Arthur died.
I have one sister and two brothers. My sister has been a huge support to me over the past 10 months. This picture is of us in India, it was taken seven weeks after Arthur died.
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Their name, their photo
Day 23: Their name, their photo: Their names are Luke and Arthur Townsend. I have lots of the photos of my boys, which I am truly grateful to have. I don't want to share them here as I want to keep their photos private as that is all I have. I have included their scan pictures, which represent the days of innocence, when I believed I would give birth to my two beautiful babies and be able to keep them.
These pictures represent the transformation that has happened in my life, I once trusted this world but now I question everything. I now feel unsafe as I know bad things can and do happen. How I wish I could go back to this safe place and change the outcome.
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