Friday, 27 December 2013

Arthur's Day

Tomorrow is Arthur's 2nd year anniversary.. I am thinking about him and his two weeks on this earth. I don't know how to spend his day. I feel the 13th the boys birthday is when I do something to remember both of them.. It's not like I won't be thinking of him all day tomorrow, I just don't have a ritual to do. Last year I was in middle of IVF. Eric was two cells old. I had so many emotions floating around. This year my little man is keeping me busy. 
I think tomorrow will be a day of quiet reflection in the midst of a normal day. 
My affirmation for tomorrow is forgiveness. Whilst I still struggle with this, I have become better and it is something I hope to work hard on in 2014. 
Arthur I love you. This time 2 years ago you were having a good night, I rang the hospital around 4am, they said you were quiet. You woke with an infection at 8am and you passed away at noon. It's like a dream, almost like it happened to someone else, but it happened to me and I am forever changed. 

Monday, 16 December 2013

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday baby boys, if ye were alive ye would be two years old and our house would be manic. How I wish things could be different, how I long to hold both of you in my arms and shower you with kisses. I love you so much and you own my heart forever.

We celebrated your second birthday in a similar way as last year. We put our Christmas tree and put your decorations up first. Then we went to were we planted your trees. This year as we had Eric with us we couldn't climb the mountain but instead we went on a walk around the area. We stopped for hot ports and soaked up the Christmas atmosphere. We then went for a meal and had birthday cake. When we arrived home we switched on the Christmas lights. It was a perfect day to celebrate your little life times.

I always find the two weeks between Arthur's birth and death difficult. Lots of memories come flooding back. Last night I had some night terrors were I dreamt of dead babies. its been a long time since I had dreams like this. I was a little shaken when I awoke. Then I fear something will happen to Eric, but I guess that fear is always going to be there for any mother but is just a bit more pronounced as I now know how precious life is.

I participated in a workshop last night and made a beautiful Christmas table display for Luke and Arthur. The workshop is run by a local charity for baby loss. It the was lovely to make something for the twins and now they will be included and will be there in our minds on Christmas day.

I made up a Christmas package for the nurses in neonatal, that cared for Arthur. They have been wonderful and sent a lovely card and photo frame for Eric when he was born. I will always remember their kindness. I also sponsored a memory box to be donated to the hospital for another baby's parents.

I have met some wonderful people in the past two years, people that I would have never met if my twins were not born. I am grateful every day that even though they could not stay with me that they were and are a part of our lives. I love them to the moon and back..xx

Monday, 9 December 2013

Where has the time gone???

Its been a long time since I posted here. I think I was heading into hospital for observation last time I was on.I stopped posting as I had so much anxiety around my pregnancy I just couldn't face writing about anything. As I approach the twins second anniversary I felt compelled to visit this space so I can reflect on all that has happened over the past year.

Our son Eric was born on the 4th September 2013. He is perfect and our lives have changed forever. I love him more than anything and I am so thankful that he is here with us. There is a feeling of sadness too as now I can physically feel what I have missed out on with my twins. We are a family of 5, but only 3 of us here on this earth and I still miss the twins with all my heart. 

The last few months have been a whirl wind and I have no time to think. This is a good thing as my time is full of Eric. The twins anniversary is a few days away and as I reflect I can honestly say that I have thought about them every day over the past two years. They are with me all the time. 

I remember writing here last year and I was so lost. I didnt know if I would ever have children. I felt so empty and tired and angry. Throughout my pregnancy I stayed quiet resting and avoided most social events. I didn't want to face people and I was afraid something bad would happen. Then when Eric arrived everything changed. People came out of the woodwork to congratulate us, some whom I had spent a year upset about. I decided to forgive and to move forward as I do not want any negativity to surround Eric. I have been busy meeting people and participating in life again. Some times I feel like my old self again and I'm enjoying it. The dark place that I was in, is not so dark anymore. The birth of Eric has healed me, he is helping me to live again. 

Eric would not exist if our twins had lived, this is a hard concept to understand. They have given me Eric and for that I am truly thankful. People told me in the beginning of this grief journey that time would help the healing process. I believe now that this is true but what has helped more than anything is having my rainbow baby. I don't know if I would be as happy now if Eric was not with me. For me being childless was a huge emotional turmoil. I'm glad I did not give up on my dream as now I can experience the miracle of a little life and I feel for the first time that we are a family.

A week before Eric was born our 17 year old dog 'Mika' passed away. Mika was the closest we ever got to having a family.  Mika helped me hugely after the twins death as she got me out of bed and out walking. We had many scares over the past two years and were told several times that she didn't have long to live. But she lived and stayed with us up until the end. On her last week she stopped eating, its as if she knew it was her time to go and she gave us all she could. It was a hard week but then everything was accelerated and we then welcomed our new arrival and a new chapter in our lives.

I have been doing really well but this week I am finding it hard, lots of those memories of two years ago are flooding back. The what ifs and the what could have been.  I know the next 2 weeks I will be reliving a lot of memories but I will also be making new ones as it will be a first Christmas for Eric. I have decided that I will put up our Christmas tree on the 13th the day the twins were born and this will always be  a tradition in our home. I got some new decorations for the twins to put on our tree. I am hoping this will be a good and peaceful Christmas. On the 28th of December will be the anniversary of Arthur's passing and the 29th will mark the day that Eric was implanted on our last IVF treatment. What a difference a year can make..
Merry Christmas!!!!!