Saturday, 13 December 2014

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Luke and Arthur!! It has been 3 years at this very time that Luke was born and Arthur was on his way. I remember every detail, as though it happened yesterday. I cannot believe it has been 3 years, and I also cannot believe that it has been 1 year since I posted here about the twins. Only a few people rembered the twins birthday anniversary, but for the first time I am ok with that. I have come a long way over the past year. My grief has changed, if you were to say to me 3 years ago, that I would survive, the loss of my twin boys, I would not have heard you and would have been angry even at the suggestion. But here I stand, living, breathing and I must say happy. I feel I have been though an intence journey, it has been the hardest journey of my life, I'm still on it but now I feel lighter. A lot of the anger is gone, I no longer have fear, I remember at one point I was afraid of everything, people places, I avoided everything. Now all of that is gone. Even last year I still hadn't met with some people or gone back to my local shop, but this year I have. I feel strength instead of fear, which is a positive. I have come through it and I'm still standing.

I think of my boys often, I guess it helps that I have their ashes with me at home so I see them everyday. I shead tears often for them, but I continue on. I know that Eric my baby boy is the reason that I am coping so well, he brings us so much joy, the love I feel for him is endless. I am so thankful for everyday I have with him. I do have a lot of fear around Eric, this is something I need to work on, I fear something could happen to him and then what..

Today we usually follow a routine where we visit the boys trees and go for dinner and put up our tree, but unfortunately we have the winter vomiting bug in our house today. At first I was a bit disappointed as I felt that I was leaving the boys down on their birthday, but we will just postpone our little rituals for a few days. I have also undertaken a little project called teeny diapers. I have handmade 40 baby diapers Christmas decorations in memory of Luke and Arthur. I will send 30 to the neonatal unit where Arthur spent his little lifetime to put in the babies Christmas stockings. I will give ten to the people who were there for me to hang on their trees in memory of the boys. I will post a photo here during the week of the diapers, they are so cute. It's been quiet therapeutic making them a nice bit of time dedicated to my boys.

Over the last few months we decided to try one more IVF frozen cycle, my test date was yesterday and it was negative. We transferred 3 blasts, I was a little hopeful that this would work and be the end of the road for us on our IVF journey.I have been doing IVF cycles now for 7 years, I am now in my 40s and to be honest I'm tired of it but emotionally and financially. I'm not devasted at the negative as I have a living child it's not like having a failed cycle and having no children or after loosing two children. Now I just feel tired, I don't know what I will do next, another fresh cycle, and all the medication, scans and most of all the fear, I couldn't have twins again. Every time I go through a cycle I have a fear of twins. I would love a sister or brother for Eric, but then there is a sense of relief to just say stop. When is enough enough? If I said no more, I feel I could start new projects I have put on hold. There would be a sence of relief to say enough is enough, but am I ready to give up do I go one last time. Now my age is very much against me, but then if not now, then I will have no opportunity in a year or two. I need a couple of weeks over Christmas to decide. Throughout this journey I prayed for just one living child, and thankfully I was given that.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry to read of your grief. Love always. Ian Kenny.