Friday, 17 February 2012


I arrived in India yesterday, the idea is to get some time away to help with the healing process. I am in a place I know well, we come here every year. My sister and friend have come with me and Dh will come in two weeks. We stay with an old friend of Dh who knows all that has happened.

I thought this would be a great place to relax and get healthy. Very few people know me here so I thought at least I don't have to be afraid of meeting people. However that doesn't seem to be the case. The restaurant were we stay the staff knew I was pregnant. The first thing I was asked yesterday was about the baby. I just nodded no baby and i had to leave. Today again I was asked I replied the babies are dead. What else could I say and just hearing myself say those words has broken my heart again, tears streaming down my face I had to run for cover.

No matter where you go you can't get away. There is no place to run to, there is nowhere to hide. The grief exists everywhere. I am just do f****** sad.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Happy Valentines Day

Its been a few days since I wrote here.. I have been busy doing nothing..but I think of both of you my beautiful boys everyday.. Today I am here to wish the two loves of my life Happy Valentines Day.. I lit a candle for you today at the time you both were born..Its two months since ye both came into this world and since Luke left.. I cried as you both should still be inside me..I imagined that I would be celebrating Valentines day with the thoughts of both of you coming into this world shortly..I imagined been happy and preparing for the birth, getting my hospital bag ready and your room.. we had plans to put in wardrobes with a built in changing table, I had looked at buggies for both of you.. we should be doing that work now in preparation for your birth..

Instead I am in mourning for your death, thinking about both of you every minute of every day..My two precious angels.. Your Daddy had a beautiful bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates left for me in the kitchen this morning..He misses you both and we talk about the two of you but it always ends in us wishing things had turned out differently...

I am leaving tomorrow for a month.. I am trying to figure out what to take belonging to ye.. as I will need for both of you to be close.. I am going to India and I hope to get some remembrance jewelery made there. I have put some of your ashes in a keep sake box to take with me and I will also take your hats and copies of your foot and hand prints.. I know that ye will be with me no matter where I am in the world.. I need to run away at the moment and to be some where different.. Your Daddy suggested scattering a little bit of your ashes in India as we know this is somewhere we would have taken both of you.. It is a place that we love and visit often.. I'm not sure, if I can give up some of your ashes yet but we will see how this part of the story unfolds and how I will feel when I'm there.

I read on a forum last night that some people get signs that there little ones are close to them.. Please send me a sign as I need strength to continue on this road.. I have started writing your story but I find it difficult to write so I have to leave it and come back to it, I know I will finish it but is so painful to write.. I plan to have it finished by your due date in March..

Loving both of you my little men Luke and Arthur xxxx

Wednesday, 8 February 2012


I woke this morning, as every morning my thoughts immediately are of the boys, the pregnancy, the loss. Sometimes I remember my dreams but not today. I was thinking about my cervix, imagine that your first thought when you wake up is of your cervix. I was told by a consultant that the most likely cause of me loosing the twins was that my cervix probably shortened. This is not definite as they found no infection but on my week 17 scan my cervix measured 2.7 which is still within the norm but dangerously close to 2.5 which would be considered a short cervix. My cervix was never measured again, so it was missed. The consultant that I was under didn't think that I needed another scan just to check, why would she, I was carrying twins and would have been considered high risk, I mean really there was no need. To be honest I am finding all of this a hard pill to swallow so waking up this morning with my cervix as my first thought, it really isn't the making of a good day.

I think I was managing as best I could for the last few days but today is one of those really sad days. I logged onto my baby loss forums and cried at everything I read, my heart breaks for all those women and my heart breaks for me. I then logged onto youtube and watched baby loss videos, when I saw the photos of other women holding their dead babies I wailed for their loss and for mine. I want my children back.. I want them back in my belly.. please.. As I write my babies should still be in my belly, they should still be in my belly for another 7 weeks, its really hard to digest all that has happened and all we have been through over the past seven weeks.. all I know is I am left here with nothing, I am left here with empty arms.. I am left here as a broken woman... childless with all my dreams shattered and two sets of ashes by my bed.

I need to believe that my babies are around me that they are my angels and that they are close by and that we will meet again someday.. I need to feel them close. This journey of grief is the hardest thing that I have ever experienced, it sneaks up on you and takes every last piece of energy from you.. it engulfs you entirely and possesses your mind, body and soul. I have begun to read about it and how it comes in waves. In the beginning the first couple of days to a week after I lost the twins, I was in a dark dark place, I blocked everything out all reality. I think I created a place where none of what was happening was real. I refused to see anybody I think because if I didn't see people then nothing was real. Then I went through a phase where I was numb, but also angry, and sad. Now I have moments were I feel alright, sad but normal, but then a wave hits and it is hard to describe but it reaches deep inside,it twists and turns and wrenches. In the middle of this wave of grief, I am sad, but I want to feel it, I want to own it as it seems to connect me to my sons. This grief is my grief and it is important as it is for my twin sons Luke and Arthur who were and are important to me...

Why am I here????

I have decided to start a blog.... I don't know what came over me but I have been drawn to the idea of writing about this journey that I am on.. maybe I think it will help me heal.. or allow me to think about what I am feeling so i can make sense of what is happening..or maybe it is because I have a story to tell and now feels like the right time to tell it..

As I have never done this before it will take me time to get used to learning how this works..but I hope that this can become the space that i can run away too when I need to...

So here goes, I am here because I lost my two peas in my pod.. Yes I can say it but it hurts.. I have lost my twins, my two boys, my little men. I am still all mixed up in my thoughts but I know that I am in the early stages of loss its only been seven and half weeks since I lost twin one Baby Luke and five and half weeks since I lost twin two Baby Arthur.... so I am still in the early stages of grief..and it sucks. I get frightened by what I am feeling, as at times the sadness is so intense, its hard to describe, it reaches deep inside into the depth of my being to a place that is so dark and hollow and I feel so intensely sad that my body feels panicky.. It is hard to find words to describe it but I have found new words that I am using now on a regular basis they include, sad, hollow, broken, dark, black, worthless, pointless, hopeless, lonely, heartbroken and missing. The words I should be using are happy, excited, proud, great, miracle etc etc.. It is difficult using these words. I should be rejoicing the birth of my twin boys and I want to be on a different road to the one I am on, but this is where I find myself.

Luke and Arthur were born at 24 weeks +5. My waters broke at 24 weeks and I was on bed rest for 5 days... There were two heart beats up until the delivery,but Luke didn't make it and was born sleeping. Arthur was born alive, I heard him cry and he lived for two more weeks in neonatal but then Arthur died too.. It was at that moment this dark journey began. I thought in the past all the failed IVF's were my darkest hours, but I had no idea how bad it could get.

I find myself in a place, trying to figure out where I belong,which group do I fit with. I am infertile, I am a mother of premature babies, I gave birth to a still born son, I had a child in neonatal, my two week old son has died and now once again I am infertile. I don't need to fit with a group but I do find the on line forums a great support as it connects me to people who are experiencing similar losses. I can relate to how others are feeling and I can learn from others experiences. I think over the past seven weeks, the forums on baby loss have been my crutch. I have told some of my story, I have read others stories, I have cried a great deal and I have felt supported.I never used to use forums, I dabbled with facebook, but that was it. I found the infertility journey lonely, I felt I was the only one in the world who could not have children so I needed to connect. I think by reading other peoples stories that has given me the motivation to take this step to writing about mine and that of my two sons. My two beautiful boys who will be forever in my heart.

So here I am at the beginning of the end. The beginning of telling of my story and at the end of my dream, my life as I envisioned it. I wonder where this journey will take me, I am hoping it will take me along the path of healing.