Thursday, 19 July 2012

It's been a while

Its been a while since I last wrote anything down. I have been avoiding it, I don't know why I just didn't want to write. I have had a hundred different moods and a lot of white noise inside my head. I also did another FET and am currently on another 2 week wait but I have a gut feeling it didn't work. I hope I am wrong and I am staying quiet relaxed, I just don't think a frozen transfer is as good as a fresh.

I transfered last Saturday, once again I traveled to Kiev on my own. The trip went well, the clinic defrosted six embryos to get the best two. They said they all defrosted well and they re-frosted four and then transfered two. I really wanted to transfer three as the odds are so much less for a frozen but I couldn't as I really don't want another high risk twin pregnancy. There is always hope, but I have already made plans to go again in October with a fresh cycle if I am unsuccessful. I just feel really tired of scans and medication and more scans. Its like a never ending saga!!!

I am back to work now two weeks and I called in sick this week because of the transfer. I am not happy to be back, I haven't gelled with anybody yet and spend most of my day wanting to go home. I don't think some of my co workers really get what has happened to me and I really don't care about their plans or what they are doing. I know I am being selfish but hey what are you going to do. I know that with the whole IVF process going on my mind is full so I really don't have time for others. I just want to be pregnant with a baby and that is where all my energy is directed. I just don't know when enough is enough.

I think DH is tired of it too, as I haven't been up to doing anything we are drifting a bit. DH has moved on, I know his heart is broken but he is coping much better on the outside anyway. During the whole IVF process and especially a frozen cycle DH has had very little involvement, so it is hard for him to really get the emotional roller coaster. It is completely understandable why we are in very different places. I just wish we weren't. I remember when the we were in the hospital room the night the twins were born, Luke was dead and Arthur was in neo natal, that night we were the most emotionally connected ever, it was like we were on a higher plane just the two us and our children. I guess that type type of extreme emotion can only last a short time and then we return to trying to get on with it..

I'm battling a lot over friendships at the moment, I know this has been a theme over the past few months but it is some of the white noise that is circling in my head. I would love to let it go so it doesn't take up so much head space.. I have had two friends who have been extremely good to me. My best friend has been good as well but she doesn't live nearby so I don't get to see her much. My cousin whom I thought was a friend has been awful,she called in February for half an hour that was it.. I got a few texts to meet for lunch and a happy birthday text. I grew up with this girl we are the same age we used to meet for lunch every second week, we socialized together, we were friends. I feel so betrayed. Now she wants to call at the weekend and to be honest I don't want to see her but I also know that I can't avoid her as we are family so we will meet. I am just so conflicted. I'm dreading meeting her, I will get my sister to be here as back up, I hope I can be polite, but I really don't feel like investing anything into this relationship. It just makes me sad, I have lost so much and I am still loosing, but at least I have control over this loss. I am also afraid that she is coming to tell me that she is pregnant as I know she has been actively trying.

I have quiet successfully sheltered myself from pregnancies, I don't mind seeing people I don't know but can't bear the thoughts of seeing people I do know. Its like a double edged sword, all I want is to be pregnant but I don't want to be around babies or pregnant women...

I went to a local support group to make patches for the twins for a national quilt that is displayed at different events. I still need to finish them, but I am delighted to have made something for the boys that will be displayed .. I will post here when I am finished. When I arrived at the group I just couldn't stop crying I found it so hard. The other mothers were fantastic, and it was great to connect face to face with other mothers.

The journey continues and my two peas in a pod are forever in my mind. I am hoping my 2 little embryos are developing, I test on the 28th of July so fingers crossed .. Somewhere in the photo there are 2 little embryos!!

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