Monday, 9 December 2013

Where has the time gone???

Its been a long time since I posted here. I think I was heading into hospital for observation last time I was on.I stopped posting as I had so much anxiety around my pregnancy I just couldn't face writing about anything. As I approach the twins second anniversary I felt compelled to visit this space so I can reflect on all that has happened over the past year.

Our son Eric was born on the 4th September 2013. He is perfect and our lives have changed forever. I love him more than anything and I am so thankful that he is here with us. There is a feeling of sadness too as now I can physically feel what I have missed out on with my twins. We are a family of 5, but only 3 of us here on this earth and I still miss the twins with all my heart. 

The last few months have been a whirl wind and I have no time to think. This is a good thing as my time is full of Eric. The twins anniversary is a few days away and as I reflect I can honestly say that I have thought about them every day over the past two years. They are with me all the time. 

I remember writing here last year and I was so lost. I didnt know if I would ever have children. I felt so empty and tired and angry. Throughout my pregnancy I stayed quiet resting and avoided most social events. I didn't want to face people and I was afraid something bad would happen. Then when Eric arrived everything changed. People came out of the woodwork to congratulate us, some whom I had spent a year upset about. I decided to forgive and to move forward as I do not want any negativity to surround Eric. I have been busy meeting people and participating in life again. Some times I feel like my old self again and I'm enjoying it. The dark place that I was in, is not so dark anymore. The birth of Eric has healed me, he is helping me to live again. 

Eric would not exist if our twins had lived, this is a hard concept to understand. They have given me Eric and for that I am truly thankful. People told me in the beginning of this grief journey that time would help the healing process. I believe now that this is true but what has helped more than anything is having my rainbow baby. I don't know if I would be as happy now if Eric was not with me. For me being childless was a huge emotional turmoil. I'm glad I did not give up on my dream as now I can experience the miracle of a little life and I feel for the first time that we are a family.

A week before Eric was born our 17 year old dog 'Mika' passed away. Mika was the closest we ever got to having a family.  Mika helped me hugely after the twins death as she got me out of bed and out walking. We had many scares over the past two years and were told several times that she didn't have long to live. But she lived and stayed with us up until the end. On her last week she stopped eating, its as if she knew it was her time to go and she gave us all she could. It was a hard week but then everything was accelerated and we then welcomed our new arrival and a new chapter in our lives.

I have been doing really well but this week I am finding it hard, lots of those memories of two years ago are flooding back. The what ifs and the what could have been.  I know the next 2 weeks I will be reliving a lot of memories but I will also be making new ones as it will be a first Christmas for Eric. I have decided that I will put up our Christmas tree on the 13th the day the twins were born and this will always be  a tradition in our home. I got some new decorations for the twins to put on our tree. I am hoping this will be a good and peaceful Christmas. On the 28th of December will be the anniversary of Arthur's passing and the 29th will mark the day that Eric was implanted on our last IVF treatment. What a difference a year can make..
Merry Christmas!!!!!


  1. I completely understand everything you are feeling in this post and have felt since losing your boys and having Eric. I am right there with your since the birth of our rainbow baby in April. Congratulations on a healthy baby boy. Thinking of you!

  2. Thank you Lindsey.. and congratulations on the birth of your rainbow baby.. I was wondering how you were getting on, I'm delighted to hear your news. I am unable to read your blog is there a link so I can read about your rainbow baby x