Sunday, 19 May 2013


Hope according to Wikipedia, is the state which promotes the belief in a good outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Despair is often regarded as the opposite of hope. I know what despair feels like, I think anyone who has lost someone they love has felt despair. Despair is a dark lonely place where hope does not exist, in fact I don't think anything exists only darkness, heaviness and confusion.

I read yesterday that the Krim family, who lost their two children Lulu and Leo to tragic circumstances late last year, are expecting again. The family release a statement to say they have hope for the future. It really is   inspirational that a family that have endured such pain in such awful circumstances are feeling the hope in a new pregnancy and are looking to a brighter future.

I personally am still finding it difficult to be hopeful, I am still not convinced that I will have a good outcome, however I am not in despair either. So what am I thinking? I would like to be hopeful and at times I guess it is there. I allow myself to imagine me holding my baby and bringing it home and at last having a family. This week however  any glimmer of hope has taken a backseat, to an overwhelming feeling of nervousness. I feel like I have a big exam ahead of me and I'm waiting to sit it in 2 weeks time. My stomach is in knots in anticipation of reaching 24.5 weeks, the age of my twins when they were born. I have no control over these feelings, my head can say its irrational to be nervous this is a different pregnancy but my body has a mind of its own.

Then I think when and if I pass the 24.5 week mark, will I then have hope, and I fear the overwhelming answer is probably not.Why? Because, I know too much of what can go wrong at different stages of a pregnancy. I have met and read too many stories. However when you read of another family like the Krims who have and continue to struggle and still have a glimmer of hope, it makes me think maybe things will turn out OK, maybe I just need to believe it can happen to me.

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