Today wow!!! It's a bad day... I'm starting the whole IVF process again... Is it too soon.. I took my injection of decapeptyl on the 2nd of April and thought great I'm ready, I need to be moving forward. Then my AF was late arriving and I started to get anxious as I didn't like all this waiting around.. My AF arrived yesterday and so did the emotions. I argued with my poor DH last night and just started crying and then this morning I had to get my first scan. I was an emotional wreck.
I had to leave the house really early and just by the the caravan park where we had a holiday mobile home for 15 years I had two white butterflies fly in front of me.. My two boys wishing me luck.. But they shouldn't be wishing me luck, they should be here with me now and I should not be in the car on my way for another scan.. It's f****d up... I arrived to the clinic the same place the boys were born and died and I just felt so empty so sad so lost. I really questioned what am I doing here. When is enough enough, should I just accept that I will never have children.. Why am I putting myself through this. I was called into the scan room and a consultant filling in for my new consultant asked a very innocent question, is this your first IVF and that was it the flood gates opened and it hasn't stopped since. Why me, on my 6th cycle and still I have an empty cradle and empty arms and symbols that represent my children.. You think things have improved and you are feeling a bit better and wham bam you realize that they have not, in fact your right back where you started in the depths of grief. I knew this would happen I have been reading the forums, where I have found some insights of what this journey will be like and what I might expect. Except when the grief hits, you are still taken by surprise.
Then my scan results were sent off to my clinic and some back and forward e- mails with the clinic and I am officially on the IVF road again... Is it too soon??? It possibly is but I need to grasp at something as I am not ready to give up just yet, there is still a bit of fight there.. It is just too frightening to consider the option of no children, even though in time I may have to face this reality.. Only time will tell and as I already know nobody knows how things will work out so hope is all I have..
I just hate being on this journey again, I hate the scans, I hate the doctors visits.. I hate that this is my life.. But I love my two little butterflies xxxx