I reached an important milestone, I am now officially entering my second trimester. I am 13.5 days today. I have a bump that seemed to appear overnight. I love having a bump, and I love being pregnant again, but it is different this time. I have lost my innocence, I no longer feel safe, I am cautious. Don't get me wrong I do get excited at times, dreaming of our future, but I have to stop myself as then I think of all the things that can go wrong. I have read so many other stories of baby loss, I now know of so many things that can go wrong, it is scary.
I had my cerclage put in last week, as a preventative measure to try to hold onto this pregnancy. The procedure went well, with only a small bit of discomfort the following day. It got me thinking of all the procedures I have had to get to this point. I had a laparoscopy, a hysterscopy, a DNC, a manual removal of my placenta and a cerclage. I also had two canceled IVF's, four fresh IVF's and two frozen cycles. Each of my failed IVF cycles were losses to me as you build up so much hope and you have your little embryos put back and then nothing. It's devastating to go through a failed IVF, but I think the two frozen cycles after I lost the twins were the most painful. I hate to think where I would be now if our present cycle had failed, would I have found the strength to go on?
This pregnancy is not like my pregnancy with the twins, and I am a little grateful for that. My pregnancy with the twins was easy, I was never sick, I could eat everything, I exercised a lot, I had energy. This pregnancy I have been sick everyday from six weeks, however I am grateful as I feel pregnant, I cannot eat red meat or any meat for that matter, I am doing minimum exercise and I haven't had a lot of energy. I am resting a lot and taking time for myself.
I am fortunate as my consultant has scanned me every week since I was six weeks, so I have been closely following my baby's growth. Now that I have reached the end of my first trimester, I feel like I can breathe before I head to the 18-24 week period. I am dreading this time. I will start progesterone injections at week 16 and the baby will have the injection for their lungs at 24 weeks. Please god let me make it to there and beyond.
We have told a few people but don't plan to tell many, I can't seem to say it out loud for fear of jinxing it. I would love if nobody knew till I walked out of the hospital. I dream of walking out the front door of the hospital with a car seat instead of the back door with a coffin. I remember, when the twins died, how I was so envious of all the moms with their babies and their car seats, at the time I truly couldn't believe what had happened to us.
We recently received a wedding invitation to attend a local wedding. The couple getting married are more friendly with L than me, and I haven't seen or heard from them since our twins died. I would probably know about ninety percent of the people who will attend this event, none of whom I have seen or heard from since our loss. L really wants me to attend but I don't want to go. There are several reasons, my pregnancy is one as I would be 18 weeks and would be showing, I do not want to announce my pregnancy to everyone at a wedding. I also have anxiety thinking about seeing such a big group of people that I have not seen since before I lost the twins. I also feel a little mad as not one person from this group contacted me or sent a card, I know I cut myself off for a while but a simple text would have sufficed. I know that I have high expectations of people and I should know better. I have been beating myself up about this but I really don't want to attend, I would love somebody to tell me its OK, if you don't feel up to it, then don't. I just want to stay a little bit longer in my little pregnancy bubble, before facing the big bad world.
I do feel Luke and Arthur close to me everyday, I talk to them all the time. It amazes me that I knew them for such a short time yet they are present in such a large part of my life. There is not one day since I lost them or should I say since I conceived them that I have not thought of them. They have been in my life now for 20 months since conception and I love the idea that whilst they are not physically here they are with me mentally and I think they always will be with me no matter what happens. xx