Loss

Its been a tough week. My uncle died at 59 years old. Its was so sad to see such a good man taken at the prime of his life. It really makes me question why take him, he didn't drink or smoke, he was a hard worker, good to his parents and family and he is gone. Yet you see others  and they abuse their bodies and nothing. Don't get me wrong I don't want anything to happen to anybody but life just seems so unfair.

It just seems no matter how well you look after yourself or in my case how well I tried to care for my babies, things just happen for no reason, just random acts, happening all the time. Life is hard, loss is hard, grief is hard.

At my uncles funeral, I met many family members whom I have not seen since loosing the twins. It was difficult as I definitely hold a lot of anger towards people whom I felt did not acknowledge my loss. When I lost the twins we didn't have a funeral, we cremated the boys and only had a few very close family members attend. On attending my uncles funeral, I could see that people were afforded the opportunity to offer their condolences. People knew how to behave and what was expected of them. When you loose a baby, it is not the same, people do not know what to do or what is expected of them. It is just so awful.

For the first time in over a year, I was able to face people and consider that what happened to Luke and I was really awful and nobody knew what to do. At the funeral some family members asked how I was,  I knew they were asking about the twins and I was able to say I was doing OK. Others said nothing but it didn't hurt me as it has in the past. What was important for me was that I faced everybody, I spoke to everybody, I didn't feel like running and hiding. I have moved forward, and it is important for me to acknowledge that.

Loosing a family member is incredibly sad. Loosing your children is horrendous. Over the course of the week, there were many conversations about my uncles life. It made me really sad to think that nobody can ever speak about my boys like that as nobody knew them, which I guess makes it hard for people to recognize  the extinct of our loss. This week I have become a bit more tolerant, in understanding others. However there are still people that I expected more from and those relationships are changed forever, but I am OK with that. I am not as angry.