Well its all come to an end once more.. I tested on Saturday and it was a BFN.. I am sick of writing that word. I became a little bit crazy on Saturday, I spent the whole day on the internet trying to make sense of why my embryos are not taking and where do I go from here.. Before the transfer I had decided to try another fresh cycle, but I want to ensure that if I go again that I am giving myself the best opportunity to succeed.. I didn't grieve on Saturday, in fact I didn't think at all, but then on Sunday it hit me harder than ever before, I was numb, silent and in pain. I spent Sunday and Monday in a daze, it felt like an out of body experience, things happening around me but I was somewhere else observing from afar. Today I am finding my way back to myself but it isn't easy. I am filled with fear about the future and what will happen next.
Last night I dreamt that I was traveling on a boat with my DH and some other passengers. I went to the bow of the boat and could see that a ship had been shipwrecked ahead of us. The ship was sitting on top of huge boulders and the waves were crashing all around. As we approached, a huge wave lifted the ship off the rocks and and it came crashing down on the boat we were in. I was screaming we need to jump, we need to get off this boat. I ran pulling my DH behind me (if it was real, I don't think that part would be true!!). When we reached the stern of the boat we jumped holding on to each other. The boat was sliced in half and was sinking, we were trying to keep our heads above water, I went down a few times but reached the surface again, it was so frightening.. we were close to the shore so with all our strength we started swimming. Witnesses on the shore waded into the water to help people, a couple carrying a baby pulled me and my DH out.. we were saved.. Now analyze that !!!
After some research on Google, this explanation makes the most sense to me.When you are drowning in your dreams, it is likely, you feel out of control in real life. You are overwhelmed with your current situation. In fact, you are so overwhelmed that your troubles are figuratively drowning you. You are sinking further into debt, experiencing lack of progression or even depression. Dreaming of drowning with a loved one often means that you are not just overwhelmed. It could mean you feel someone else is being affected by your lack of competence. In other words, you are drowning and taking them down with you, or vice versa. I think Freud may have a different perspective but this makes sense to me. I'm not sure what to make of the second part of my dream. We did start swimming and saved ourselves and were helped by a family and a baby, which perhaps symbolizes that by persevering we will get to our ultimate goal of having a baby.
So where do we go from here, I emailed my clinic this morning and they didn't recommend any more tests but felt that a fresh cycle would give better results. I asked them about doing Immune bloods, and a procedure called IMSI, which is similar to ICSI, where they select the best sperm but in IMSI it is magnified 6000 times. I received an e-mail back and they said that the sperm was fine and they didn't recommend the immune testing. I have a consultant here in Ireland who is away on holidays at the moment but when she returns I will put those questions to her. I am going to take a few weeks at a less frantic pace and see what if any tests I will do, but will try again in October. I am aware it may fail again in October but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.. I found a great quote that seems fitting to my current situation 'Our weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try one more time' Thomas Edison.