Its been a few days since I wrote here.. I have been busy doing nothing..but I think of both of you my beautiful boys everyday.. Today I am here to wish the two loves of my life Happy Valentines Day.. I lit a candle for you today at the time you both were born..Its two months since ye both came into this world and since Luke left.. I cried as you both should still be inside me..I imagined that I would be celebrating Valentines day with the thoughts of both of you coming into this world shortly..I imagined been happy and preparing for the birth, getting my hospital bag ready and your room.. we had plans to put in wardrobes with a built in changing table, I had looked at buggies for both of you.. we should be doing that work now in preparation for your birth..
Instead I am in mourning for your death, thinking about both of you every minute of every day..My two precious angels.. Your Daddy had a beautiful bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates left for me in the kitchen this morning..He misses you both and we talk about the two of you but it always ends in us wishing things had turned out differently...
I am leaving tomorrow for a month.. I am trying to figure out what to take belonging to ye.. as I will need for both of you to be close.. I am going to India and I hope to get some remembrance jewelery made there. I have put some of your ashes in a keep sake box to take with me and I will also take your hats and copies of your foot and hand prints.. I know that ye will be with me no matter where I am in the world.. I need to run away at the moment and to be some where different.. Your Daddy suggested scattering a little bit of your ashes in India as we know this is somewhere we would have taken both of you.. It is a place that we love and visit often.. I'm not sure, if I can give up some of your ashes yet but we will see how this part of the story unfolds and how I will feel when I'm there.
I read on a forum last night that some people get signs that there little ones are close to them.. Please send me a sign as I need strength to continue on this road.. I have started writing your story but I find it difficult to write so I have to leave it and come back to it, I know I will finish it but is so painful to write.. I plan to have it finished by your due date in March..
Loving both of you my little men Luke and Arthur xxxx