Wednesday, 8 February 2012


I woke this morning, as every morning my thoughts immediately are of the boys, the pregnancy, the loss. Sometimes I remember my dreams but not today. I was thinking about my cervix, imagine that your first thought when you wake up is of your cervix. I was told by a consultant that the most likely cause of me loosing the twins was that my cervix probably shortened. This is not definite as they found no infection but on my week 17 scan my cervix measured 2.7 which is still within the norm but dangerously close to 2.5 which would be considered a short cervix. My cervix was never measured again, so it was missed. The consultant that I was under didn't think that I needed another scan just to check, why would she, I was carrying twins and would have been considered high risk, I mean really there was no need. To be honest I am finding all of this a hard pill to swallow so waking up this morning with my cervix as my first thought, it really isn't the making of a good day.

I think I was managing as best I could for the last few days but today is one of those really sad days. I logged onto my baby loss forums and cried at everything I read, my heart breaks for all those women and my heart breaks for me. I then logged onto youtube and watched baby loss videos, when I saw the photos of other women holding their dead babies I wailed for their loss and for mine. I want my children back.. I want them back in my belly.. please.. As I write my babies should still be in my belly, they should still be in my belly for another 7 weeks, its really hard to digest all that has happened and all we have been through over the past seven weeks.. all I know is I am left here with nothing, I am left here with empty arms.. I am left here as a broken woman... childless with all my dreams shattered and two sets of ashes by my bed.

I need to believe that my babies are around me that they are my angels and that they are close by and that we will meet again someday.. I need to feel them close. This journey of grief is the hardest thing that I have ever experienced, it sneaks up on you and takes every last piece of energy from you.. it engulfs you entirely and possesses your mind, body and soul. I have begun to read about it and how it comes in waves. In the beginning the first couple of days to a week after I lost the twins, I was in a dark dark place, I blocked everything out all reality. I think I created a place where none of what was happening was real. I refused to see anybody I think because if I didn't see people then nothing was real. Then I went through a phase where I was numb, but also angry, and sad. Now I have moments were I feel alright, sad but normal, but then a wave hits and it is hard to describe but it reaches deep inside,it twists and turns and wrenches. In the middle of this wave of grief, I am sad, but I want to feel it, I want to own it as it seems to connect me to my sons. This grief is my grief and it is important as it is for my twin sons Luke and Arthur who were and are important to me...

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