Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Why am I here????

I have decided to start a blog.... I don't know what came over me but I have been drawn to the idea of writing about this journey that I am on.. maybe I think it will help me heal.. or allow me to think about what I am feeling so i can make sense of what is happening..or maybe it is because I have a story to tell and now feels like the right time to tell it..

As I have never done this before it will take me time to get used to learning how this works..but I hope that this can become the space that i can run away too when I need to...

So here goes, I am here because I lost my two peas in my pod.. Yes I can say it but it hurts.. I have lost my twins, my two boys, my little men. I am still all mixed up in my thoughts but I know that I am in the early stages of loss its only been seven and half weeks since I lost twin one Baby Luke and five and half weeks since I lost twin two Baby Arthur.... so I am still in the early stages of grief..and it sucks. I get frightened by what I am feeling, as at times the sadness is so intense, its hard to describe, it reaches deep inside into the depth of my being to a place that is so dark and hollow and I feel so intensely sad that my body feels panicky.. It is hard to find words to describe it but I have found new words that I am using now on a regular basis they include, sad, hollow, broken, dark, black, worthless, pointless, hopeless, lonely, heartbroken and missing. The words I should be using are happy, excited, proud, great, miracle etc etc.. It is difficult using these words. I should be rejoicing the birth of my twin boys and I want to be on a different road to the one I am on, but this is where I find myself.

Luke and Arthur were born at 24 weeks +5. My waters broke at 24 weeks and I was on bed rest for 5 days... There were two heart beats up until the delivery,but Luke didn't make it and was born sleeping. Arthur was born alive, I heard him cry and he lived for two more weeks in neonatal but then Arthur died too.. It was at that moment this dark journey began. I thought in the past all the failed IVF's were my darkest hours, but I had no idea how bad it could get.

I find myself in a place, trying to figure out where I belong,which group do I fit with. I am infertile, I am a mother of premature babies, I gave birth to a still born son, I had a child in neonatal, my two week old son has died and now once again I am infertile. I don't need to fit with a group but I do find the on line forums a great support as it connects me to people who are experiencing similar losses. I can relate to how others are feeling and I can learn from others experiences. I think over the past seven weeks, the forums on baby loss have been my crutch. I have told some of my story, I have read others stories, I have cried a great deal and I have felt supported.I never used to use forums, I dabbled with facebook, but that was it. I found the infertility journey lonely, I felt I was the only one in the world who could not have children so I needed to connect. I think by reading other peoples stories that has given me the motivation to take this step to writing about mine and that of my two sons. My two beautiful boys who will be forever in my heart.

So here I am at the beginning of the end. The beginning of telling of my story and at the end of my dream, my life as I envisioned it. I wonder where this journey will take me, I am hoping it will take me along the path of healing.

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