Memorial

Day 5 : I have chosen the certificate we got for planting an Oak tree in the national park close to where we live. I re-posted a picture of the forest where this is, it's beautiful, tranquil and by a small stream. I love it!!
Also included in the picture are two cards which were sent to us acknowledging a donation we made on behalf of our two boys to support the purchasing of memory boxes for local hospitals. These were the same memory boxes given to us which are now filled to the brim. At the time when I was given the boxes I was so sad all I could think of was here I was leaving the hospital with two boxes whilst everyone else around me had their babies. The cruelty of this still haunts me, but now I am glad to have something, I have boxes filled with love.

The following is the poem we read at Arthur's funeral, poor old Luke didn't have anything as everything was so out of control..

Precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I’ll always be your mother.
He’ll always be your dad.
You’ll always be our child,
The child we never had
But now you’re gone…but yet you’re here.
We’ll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There’s love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We’ll forget you never-
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.

Most treasured item

Day 4:  For most treasured item, I picked the beanie hats worn by my sons. When Luke was born he wore the white hat. The day we cremated Luke I gave him Arthur's first hat, and kept Luke's white hat. The yellow is Arthurs second hat, he wore it neonatal for about three days, it was a little small for him and there is a spot of his blood on it. In the initial stages after the boys death I kept their hats with me all the time, I took them everywhere and I slept with them. I used to smell them and I could smell baby Arthur. Now I keep them in the boys memory box.


                                                                                                                                                                        

After loss self portrait

Day 3:  After loss self portrait, this one was hard for me. I don't have many pictures of me since the loss of the twins. We did a few trips away and those are the ones I have, so I picked this one. It is a picture of me in Paris, I picked it because of the necklace I am wearing it is where I carry the twins ashes. So even when I was feeling lonely and tired on the trip I had the babies close to my heart. This portrait of  me picking up the pieces and trying to assume some sort of normality in my life. I may be smiling but inside I'm sad.

Before loss self potrait

 Day 2: Before loss: before I knew what I know now, innocence, happiness. I was doing fertility treatments but I had hope, I saw a future I was happy .  It was my birthday we had a picnic. It makes me sad to see this picture..

Sunrise

I have decided to try at least try to participate in the Carly Marie project and document my grief for the month of October 2012 as part of the pregnancy and infant awareness month. The project starts with the sunrise on the first day of the month and ends with the sunset at the end of the month and then lots in between..So here goes!

Day 1. Sunrise, this photo was taken on the 1st of October 2012 in Co.Kerry Ireland at 7.45 am.

Nine months

Its nine months  since baby Luke was still born. Nine whole months since my life turned upside down and inside out. It is the same amount of time that one is suppose to carry their baby. Its sad to think of all that time and I still sit here with empty arms and a broken heart.

I'm confused as to how I feel at the moment, I can be happy, sad, angry and quiet all in a matter of minutes. I fleet through all these emotions, talking to myself all the time. I tell myself I am doing well, look how far I have come. I tell myself I and we will be OK. I tell  myself I will have my rainbow baby. I dream about that baby and then I dream about my dead babies. I'm up, I'm down. To be honest I don't really know what I feel, I feel confused.

I had two days away last weekend with friends, I had fun. I kept it together, for two days. I was proud of myself, I even enjoyed myself. On the way home I stopped for teas and cake with one of my friends and she asked that question, how are you. It was not the how are you that others ask, where you answer I am good, or doing as well as you could expect. It was a deeper and more meaningful how are you really. I felt all my emotions rising, the ones I managed to control for two whole days, and tears filled my eyes. I answered I am coping but I am sad, I am still lost. I blurted out about our recent fertility failures and how it affected me, she listened, we ate lemon meringue pie. It felt good to be honest to someone, to say I am finding it difficult. It was good that she asked. 

Its tree planting season, so the tree for the boys should be planted in the next few weeks, I visited the forest two weeks ago, the  picture below is of some of the trees, which sit beside a river. This is the same site that our tree will be, it is beautiful and tranquil and I look forward to making my pilgrimage to visit this place when I need to.

I am still waiting for my AF to arrive after my hysterscopy. I am two weeks late with no chance of being pregnant. I contacted my clinic and they said this happens. I was hoping to be doing my scan for my next cycle by now, but nothing. In some ways it is good as it has slowed me down, but I also want to just start. I have a built up tension, which I need to release with my cycle, but this has been going on for weeks. I am trying to nurture, my mind, my body and my soul. I am exercising, eating well, drinking herbal teas, taking baths,and burning candles. Theses practices make me feel good most of the time, but at other times I find it hard to motivate myself, or to feel good or to even care.

I got all my blood work results back, I tested for immunes such as NK cells and thyroid.  All came back clear. I am within the normal range for everything. I have taken another step forward at eliminating why I sit here with a broken heart and empty arms. I have also read some research that doing a hysterscopy can have a positive effect for implantation even if they don't find anything as it helps clean out the uterus. So I wait for my AF patiently, praying that all this work pays off for our next cycle and then in nine months my arms will be full and my heart healing.

Light

Its been a good week. I have had moments where I have felt good, I have had snippets of who I was and for this I am grateful. I laughed, hiked, ate out, went to see live music and felt alive for the first time in a long time. I feel my grief has changed, maybe only for this week, but its nice to feel a change. I still guarded myself from the world and stayed close to people who have been by my side throughout this journey. I am grateful for these friends, my few friends, the ones who saw me at my worst, the ones who called without fail even when they were turned away as I couldn't bear to see anybody. The ones who still plan little excursions for me to get me out and doing stuff. The friends who still remember my two sons and allow me to mention their names. The friends who care about me and have given me time, their time, which is the most valuable gift of all.

I have been making an effort to do stuff and to engage more. Whilst I go to work and participate in my basic existence, I have been trying to do more. I don't feel terrified walking to and from work anymore, I still look down and avoid eye contact but its getting better. I exercise, still only a little but I feel it benefits my mind body and soul. My mussels ache, the pain I can bear, I can manage, I know it will go away in time. Physical pain is much more tolerable than emotional pain, physical pain I can control. I have been feeding my body with vitamins, and good food. I am burning candles, worshiping everything and nothing. I am trying to prepare myself mentally and physically for more fertility treatments.

I haven't thought much about my treatments, I have just been waiting for my results to come through. Its been good to take a break if only for a few weeks. I had the biopsy results this week. The results are that I have a poorly developed secretory phase endometrium. whatever that means. I had no phone call to explain just a letter and a good luck on my IVF journey. Google has not given me any answers either. What I have gathered is that the the secretory phase is when the body secretes progesterone and the lining prepares for implantation, mine is thus poorly developed in one part. I sent my results to my clinic, and they said that I will need extra estrofem and I will be on Viagra to increase blood flow to my lining. Everything else inside my uterus is normal, which is positive I guess. In a sense I am happy that there is a bit of a change in my protocol going forward, it makes me feel more confident.

Now I await my AF to arrive, so that I can start the journey again. I am four days late, but there is no chance that I am pregnant. Its funny now I just want AF to arrive, usually I pray that it won't. What a messed up world I live in. A few weeks ago I was determined this would be my last treatment, but I met a brave baby loss mom recently and her words have given me courage, she said she will never give up until she has a baby in her arms. This will not be my last cycle if it fails, but it will mean that I will take a break before going again. I just needed head space to think about it and I will keep trying until I can't anymore.

I picked this picture as it really means something to me, friendship has been an important theme for me throughout this journey. I value my friendships but still find it hard to reconcile those that should have been there and who weren't. I know this is part of my journey and it is something that I will have to find peace with so that I can move on. They say forgiveness is the key, but I am yet unwilling to forgive or forget but I am working on it.