Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Rainy Days

I am taking a few days off work after I had my hysteroscopy last Friday. The procedure went well and they found nothing wrong. The consultant did say that part of my lining was a bit thick so they biopsied it and I will get the results during the week. So another bridge crossed. To be honest I was hoping they would find something so I would have a reason for my last two failed cycles. I know that it is better to find nothing but its frustrating as there is nothing I can fix.

I have had a hard week, felt down haven't been doing much, still spending a lot of time at home, then a friend from my days of living in the America came to visit and it really picked me up. I am really grateful, to feel a bit of life in me again. I had a nice few days, eating ice cream, getting out for walks and chatting.The first day was a long chat about the boys and a good cry and then I had a bit of fun. It is nice to have a bit of fun, to feel light, to feel motivated.

One of our conversations stuck with me, I was explaining how low I have felt in this grief, the lack of control over my life and its outcomes have been difficult to bear. I have always seen myself as a cautious person but sociable and determined. In our conversation it is evident at how lost I am, how different I am and how much I don't care about things, I thought were important. We talked about depression. I work with people with depression and in my family members suffer from depression but I never really truly understood what was going on for these people. Now I know, it is dark feeling. I see people around me who seem happy and are doing stuff and are living and I feel  dissociated from them and their world, I feel like I have nothing in common, I am alone, my world is so far away and so much darker.

I know that I have been and perhaps still am depressed. I have had an insight into a dark part of my soul. It is OK to feel like this, after all I have something to be depressed about, but I also need to make goals to allow myself some light time. I use the term light as depression is heavy and it is tiring. My friend said it would be an idea to start making some goals to achieve steps to move forward. I have been told this in the past and I have told myself that, and I have done it, but then I lose my way again. The failed cycles have been really difficult and painful. It takes time to get back up after such hard knocks, but I will.

So today my friend is gone, and I am still off work, I walked in the rain and it felt good. I felt good for doing it. It was my chicken soup for the soul. I need to push myself a bit more, I need to do a bit more outside of thinking about IVF, tests and babies. I dreamt about having a baby last night and it felt OK. Tomorrow I am getting my immune bloods done, another test off the list and on Friday I will meet another baby loss mum and go for a nice long walk.

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