Signs

Day 13: Signs, I like to think that I do get signs from the twins.  As I said in a previous post I need to see all my signs in two's for it to represent the twins. This morning as I walked the beach I saw a double rainbow and  it took me straight away to the twins. But I guess fluffy white feathers are what most represents to me signs from the twins. As I live on a beach I am constantly  finding white feathers, but its when the white feathers show up in unusual places that it really strikes me as a sign.

Two weeks ago I was attending a training  session for work. I was very nervous attending as I knew there were going to be some people at it that I would not have  met since I was pregnant. I was driving into the training and it seemed out of nowhere a white feather appeared on my lap. At first I was shocked as it really felt like a sign that the twins were with me. When I logically thought about it, I came to the conclusion that the feathers must have been in my bag and when I took my phone out the feathers must have come out as well and floated to my knee. However that it happened at a time when I really needed it as the feathers were probably in my bag for weeks was comforting. I love moments like this and thankfully I have had a few.

Scents

Day 12: Scents Todays entry was an easy one for me, there is one scent that takes me right back to neonatal and that is antibacterial hand wash. Every time we visited Arthur in the NICU we would wash our hands again and again. It was like preforming a ritual each day of his life. I remember being scared all the time that I would give Arthur something. I was on a lot of antibiotics, I was run down and my lips broke out in sores.  I used to scrub my hands, if I touched something I would wash again. What is so sad is that it is an infection that was the cause of his death in the end.

Luke was with us in the hospital room for the first couple of days of Arthur's life. After we cremated Luke and I was discharged from hospital I went to stay with my SIL as she lives close to the hospital. I was pumping milk at the time, and I set up a table in the bedroom for the pump and the steamer. My SIL gave me this bottle of anti bacterial hand wash, I used it everyday, I washed before and after I pumped.

After Arthur died, I bought the same bottle of hand wash and when I smell it, I am instantly back to Arthur's little lifetime. I love smelling it but I do not use it everyday. I keep it for my special time with Arthur, when I can absorb all of him xx

Supportive family and friends

Day 11, Supportive friends/family, todays entry I picked a photo that was taken a month ago. I am smiling and was really having  fun. These two women have been with me every step of this journey, week in and week out they called to my door, they got me out walking and cycling again and even got me to do a scuba dive. They listened to me and mentioned my babies names. These women have made me smile again and for this I am truly grateful.

What I liked about doing this post is it made me think of all those who have been supportive to me and they are many. As I have already written in the past, I  have had a hard time with people I thought would be there for me and who were not, so it was good to do this exercise to think about those who were. My partner has been the most supportive person in my life,  he is right there with me everyday and night when I cry myself to sleep. My mom was amazing and really supportive and also suffered a huge loss, her first grandchildren. My sister has been my rock. There are many more and just thinking about it has made me realize how many supportive people I have had in my life these past few months. Thank you

Symbol

Day 10: Symbol that reminds me of the babies, this is quiet challenging. I have a lot of symbols for the twins, such as butterflies, feathers, flowers, shells but as i thought about it they only become symbols if I see two. If I walk the beach and find a feather it means nothing to me unless I find a second one. So there it is I have a symbol for my babies and that is the number two 2.

I remember a few months ago I was driving to the clinic for a scan starting off my first FET , I was very emotional and it was early and two white butterflies flew in front of me, at that moment I felt the boys close. On my first day back to work , I was all over the place with my nerves and I found two small fluffy white feathers, I immediately felt a connection to the boys. I have had a few of these moments, whilst it makes me sad to think this is all I will ever have with my boys, these are also very special moments.

Special place

Day 9: Special place. I have a special place where I go, it is the beach which is a few minutes walk from my house.  It doesn't so much remind me of the boys but its where I think about them. I visit here most days to walk our dog. Our beach is 12km long and in the past few months I have got my partner to drop me off at one end where he fishes and I walk back. Its a great way to clear the cobwebs and to think and scream if I want as there are few if no people around.

I love this space, I collect white feathers and white shells, I write their names in the sand, I talk to them. In the middle of the beach behind the sand dunes there  is a lake where the boys daddy has a boat where he fishes with their grandfather. There are a lot of swans living on the lake and it is truly a beautiful place. My partners uncle had his ashes spread there during the summer he passed away a few days after the twins. I always thought I spread our boys ashes at the beach but I am now leaning towards the lake as their grand uncle is there, in a way that gives me some comfort and also their daddy spends almost every day there during the summer. So it is indeed a very special place!

Jewelery

Day 8: Jewelery, I picked the one piece of jewelery I wear everyday, it is a silver urn, where I carry a little piece of my boys ashes with me. I love this piece of jewelery and it is always close to my heart.

I was wearing it about a week ago and I was with a mom (client) and her two year old son who doesn't really talk and was really shy around me, he pointed to the necklace and said baba, baba. It felt like a sixth sense moment as these are the only words this child has ever said to me. I later discussed my encounter with my partner and I was trying to figure out why he was just pointing and saying baba, all I could think  of was that maybe he could see his reflection in the silver as it is so shiny or maybe he could sense the babies who knows but it did highlight that this necklace has become a symbol of my babies and I love wearing it close to my heart. 

What to say

 Day 7: What to say, I had a lot of lovely things said to me but the most important one is that my boys names are mentioned, that they are acknowledged and that I can speak out loud about them and that somebody is willing to listen. I also want to be told that I am a mother, as I am a mother to two beautiful boys whom I love much  more than words can express, so validating that was and is hugely important to me.

On my six week visit post natal, my consultant spoke about the boys and she said that every child comes into this world and leaves an impression, and we can learn from them and that my boy's can maybe teach us something that will benefit their future brothers or sisters. That statement has really stuck with me and even in the depths of despair, which is where I was at six weeks post natal, she gave me hope, for which I am truly grateful. 

Upon reflection, the people that said the right things were the people that were there and still are, the ones who took time to listen and wanted to hear the boys story. Others that were not as close but simply said I'm sorry also said the right thing as they took the time to acknowledge what had happened and  that is important too..