Charity

Day: 20, These are the three charity's that have supported me on this journey of grief.

A little lifetime foundation have offered me  a lifeline. I have received support  from them on their forum, parent support meetings and workshops.

Feileacain gave me the boys memory boxes at the hospital, which contained their teddies and blankets and a camera, which I used for Arthur while he was in neonatal.

Glow in the woods allowed me to connect with the wider baby loss community. I remember in the first few days after I lost Arthur I needed information on stopping lactation and baby loss and I found the answer on the glow in the woods website.

The people that run these charities are truly amazing and I am internally grateful for all the love and support that I have received.  Also to all the baby loss mothers who are part of this community,thank you for listening to my story and for sharing yours.

Project

Day 19 Project
I attended a workshop and made these two patches, which still remain unfinished. The patches are to be added to a quilt and the quilt is displayed at various events that take place around the country. It was the first workshop I attended and I went on my own, I found it extremely difficult, I was very nervous and cried for the first hour. My head was all over the place and I was telling my story and listening to the other mothers stories, so I wasn't doing much with the patch. Now that I have attended an event I feel a little more confident to attend another. 

Normally I am a physical person and I enjoy recreation sport such as cycling, running and walking. I would like to get involved in a project or event to help raise money for the neonatal unit where Arthur lived. This is something I plan for the future.

Family Portrait

Day 18 Family Portrait, This is a picture of our family album, it is the most precious item, which contains the photographs of our two beautiful sons Luke and Arthur. It was a gift to me from my partner, which I received on the babies due date. I love it and I love their photos. I also got photographs taken from the charity now I lay you down to sleep, which I only got  two weeks ago, I was really thrown when I  received them, they were taken the day before we cremated Luke.When I looked at the photos they made me cry as I didn't recognize myself.  I was looking at grief head on and the emptiness in my soul was so exposed in all the photos, I found it hard to look at them so  I put the photos away until I'm stronger.

Due date

Day 17: Due date,  This photo is of my first hospital record I was 8 weeks pregnant and my due date was written down for the first time the 29.3.12. I was looking over this form tonight and as you can see it has a heading that says pregnancy problems to date and they wrote No Problems. How I wish it continued like that and I remained innocent about baby loss.

What did I do on my due date? I donated two memory boxes in the boys name to the hospital. I got a piece of memorial jewelery to hold the babies ashes. I got a present from my partner, which was a picture book of the babies, which I can honestly say was the nicest gift anyone has ever gotten for me.

On the babies due date I also had a follow up appointment with Arthur's consultant from the neonatal department. The meeting was hard, but the consultant took his time with us and we talked about Arthur for nearly two hours. As the day was busy, it went by quickly. It wasn't till the following day that I felt the sadness take over..it just caught up with me..It was like we filled the due day with symbolic gestures, which helped to distract..but then it just became black again.. I retreated to my bed..I was tired..

Release

Day 16: Release, Today was a simple yet uplifting experience. I decided to release two blue balloons in memory of my two little boys Luke and Arthur. The weather in Ireland today was unsettled. When I arrived home from work, I really didn't feel like going out in the elements, facing the wet and windy conditions. Thankfully our 16 year old lab mix had other ideas, so we headed down the beach with my two balloons. The beach was beautiful, there was a strong onshore wind with nice clean surf, to be honest it was a perfect evening. I had the two balloons tied together and one broke free, I was a bit upset as I wanted the two balloons to be released  together, but thankfully as the wind was onshore I was able to retrieved the balloon that got away and tie them together again. Then after a few photos, I let them go, they blew to the waters edge and back onto the beach, and I watched as the balloons danced down the beach, as though they were playing in the surf. All I could think about was the souls of my beautiful boys playing in the surf, beautiful..

Wave of Light

Tonight I joined in the wave of light and lit  candles in memory of Luke and Arthur and for all the babies around the world that couldn't stay.

Community

Day 14: Community, I have no photos of a community gathering that I have attended, but I have attended two. The first gathering was at a patch making workshop. I remember I was very nervous attending and I burst out crying the minute I entered the room. I was very emotional and to be honest I found it hard to make the patch as my head was all over the place. I did settle in after a while and I got chatting with the other moms and listening to their stories. I was drained after the experience but it was really great to attend and to make something for my babies. I met another mom there who lost her baby two years ago but is at the same place as me with fertility treatments. What is really great is now I meet up with this mom on a fortnightly basis to go walking and have a chat. The patches that we made are to go on a quilt that is displayed at services and gatherings nationally.

The second gathering I attended was a parent support meeting which was held in September. Once more I was nervous attending and I cried for most of the evening. The beginning of the evening involved listening to a bereavement counselor discuss the various stages of grief as described by other baby loss mothers. After a few mothers stayed back and talked. I found the evening good but very sad.