Nine months

Its nine months  since baby Luke was still born. Nine whole months since my life turned upside down and inside out. It is the same amount of time that one is suppose to carry their baby. Its sad to think of all that time and I still sit here with empty arms and a broken heart.

I'm confused as to how I feel at the moment, I can be happy, sad, angry and quiet all in a matter of minutes. I fleet through all these emotions, talking to myself all the time. I tell myself I am doing well, look how far I have come. I tell myself I and we will be OK. I tell  myself I will have my rainbow baby. I dream about that baby and then I dream about my dead babies. I'm up, I'm down. To be honest I don't really know what I feel, I feel confused.

I had two days away last weekend with friends, I had fun. I kept it together, for two days. I was proud of myself, I even enjoyed myself. On the way home I stopped for teas and cake with one of my friends and she asked that question, how are you. It was not the how are you that others ask, where you answer I am good, or doing as well as you could expect. It was a deeper and more meaningful how are you really. I felt all my emotions rising, the ones I managed to control for two whole days, and tears filled my eyes. I answered I am coping but I am sad, I am still lost. I blurted out about our recent fertility failures and how it affected me, she listened, we ate lemon meringue pie. It felt good to be honest to someone, to say I am finding it difficult. It was good that she asked. 

Its tree planting season, so the tree for the boys should be planted in the next few weeks, I visited the forest two weeks ago, the  picture below is of some of the trees, which sit beside a river. This is the same site that our tree will be, it is beautiful and tranquil and I look forward to making my pilgrimage to visit this place when I need to.

I am still waiting for my AF to arrive after my hysterscopy. I am two weeks late with no chance of being pregnant. I contacted my clinic and they said this happens. I was hoping to be doing my scan for my next cycle by now, but nothing. In some ways it is good as it has slowed me down, but I also want to just start. I have a built up tension, which I need to release with my cycle, but this has been going on for weeks. I am trying to nurture, my mind, my body and my soul. I am exercising, eating well, drinking herbal teas, taking baths,and burning candles. Theses practices make me feel good most of the time, but at other times I find it hard to motivate myself, or to feel good or to even care.

I got all my blood work results back, I tested for immunes such as NK cells and thyroid.  All came back clear. I am within the normal range for everything. I have taken another step forward at eliminating why I sit here with a broken heart and empty arms. I have also read some research that doing a hysterscopy can have a positive effect for implantation even if they don't find anything as it helps clean out the uterus. So I wait for my AF patiently, praying that all this work pays off for our next cycle and then in nine months my arms will be full and my heart healing.

Light

Its been a good week. I have had moments where I have felt good, I have had snippets of who I was and for this I am grateful. I laughed, hiked, ate out, went to see live music and felt alive for the first time in a long time. I feel my grief has changed, maybe only for this week, but its nice to feel a change. I still guarded myself from the world and stayed close to people who have been by my side throughout this journey. I am grateful for these friends, my few friends, the ones who saw me at my worst, the ones who called without fail even when they were turned away as I couldn't bear to see anybody. The ones who still plan little excursions for me to get me out and doing stuff. The friends who still remember my two sons and allow me to mention their names. The friends who care about me and have given me time, their time, which is the most valuable gift of all.

I have been making an effort to do stuff and to engage more. Whilst I go to work and participate in my basic existence, I have been trying to do more. I don't feel terrified walking to and from work anymore, I still look down and avoid eye contact but its getting better. I exercise, still only a little but I feel it benefits my mind body and soul. My mussels ache, the pain I can bear, I can manage, I know it will go away in time. Physical pain is much more tolerable than emotional pain, physical pain I can control. I have been feeding my body with vitamins, and good food. I am burning candles, worshiping everything and nothing. I am trying to prepare myself mentally and physically for more fertility treatments.

I haven't thought much about my treatments, I have just been waiting for my results to come through. Its been good to take a break if only for a few weeks. I had the biopsy results this week. The results are that I have a poorly developed secretory phase endometrium. whatever that means. I had no phone call to explain just a letter and a good luck on my IVF journey. Google has not given me any answers either. What I have gathered is that the the secretory phase is when the body secretes progesterone and the lining prepares for implantation, mine is thus poorly developed in one part. I sent my results to my clinic, and they said that I will need extra estrofem and I will be on Viagra to increase blood flow to my lining. Everything else inside my uterus is normal, which is positive I guess. In a sense I am happy that there is a bit of a change in my protocol going forward, it makes me feel more confident.

Now I await my AF to arrive, so that I can start the journey again. I am four days late, but there is no chance that I am pregnant. Its funny now I just want AF to arrive, usually I pray that it won't. What a messed up world I live in. A few weeks ago I was determined this would be my last treatment, but I met a brave baby loss mom recently and her words have given me courage, she said she will never give up until she has a baby in her arms. This will not be my last cycle if it fails, but it will mean that I will take a break before going again. I just needed head space to think about it and I will keep trying until I can't anymore.

I picked this picture as it really means something to me, friendship has been an important theme for me throughout this journey. I value my friendships but still find it hard to reconcile those that should have been there and who weren't. I know this is part of my journey and it is something that I will have to find peace with so that I can move on. They say forgiveness is the key, but I am yet unwilling to forgive or forget but I am working on it.   

Rainy Days

I am taking a few days off work after I had my hysteroscopy last Friday. The procedure went well and they found nothing wrong. The consultant did say that part of my lining was a bit thick so they biopsied it and I will get the results during the week. So another bridge crossed. To be honest I was hoping they would find something so I would have a reason for my last two failed cycles. I know that it is better to find nothing but its frustrating as there is nothing I can fix.

I have had a hard week, felt down haven't been doing much, still spending a lot of time at home, then a friend from my days of living in the America came to visit and it really picked me up. I am really grateful, to feel a bit of life in me again. I had a nice few days, eating ice cream, getting out for walks and chatting.The first day was a long chat about the boys and a good cry and then I had a bit of fun. It is nice to have a bit of fun, to feel light, to feel motivated.

One of our conversations stuck with me, I was explaining how low I have felt in this grief, the lack of control over my life and its outcomes have been difficult to bear. I have always seen myself as a cautious person but sociable and determined. In our conversation it is evident at how lost I am, how different I am and how much I don't care about things, I thought were important. We talked about depression. I work with people with depression and in my family members suffer from depression but I never really truly understood what was going on for these people. Now I know, it is dark feeling. I see people around me who seem happy and are doing stuff and are living and I feel  dissociated from them and their world, I feel like I have nothing in common, I am alone, my world is so far away and so much darker.

I know that I have been and perhaps still am depressed. I have had an insight into a dark part of my soul. It is OK to feel like this, after all I have something to be depressed about, but I also need to make goals to allow myself some light time. I use the term light as depression is heavy and it is tiring. My friend said it would be an idea to start making some goals to achieve steps to move forward. I have been told this in the past and I have told myself that, and I have done it, but then I lose my way again. The failed cycles have been really difficult and painful. It takes time to get back up after such hard knocks, but I will.

So today my friend is gone, and I am still off work, I walked in the rain and it felt good. I felt good for doing it. It was my chicken soup for the soul. I need to push myself a bit more, I need to do a bit more outside of thinking about IVF, tests and babies. I dreamt about having a baby last night and it felt OK. Tomorrow I am getting my immune bloods done, another test off the list and on Friday I will meet another baby loss mum and go for a nice long walk.

Hope

What next?

I have taken a break over the past week from thinking about fertility treatments. We decided to go away for a few days and tour around Ireland. It was a well needed break and gave us time together to reconnect. I find at home, I have gotten in to a bit of a rut.  I did two fertility treatments back to back and thus I limited my activity and people whom I saw, so my life was put on hold . Now I don't know what to do with myself so the best thing I could think of was to run away for a few days and sightsee.

We visited the rock of Cashel, which is a castle and a cathedral built on a rock. It was the home of the kings of Munster, which is the area of Ireland that I am from. There was an old graveyard attached to the cathedral, which I found myself wandering around. I stopped at graves were babies were buried, and wondered what their story was, I feel a huge amount of empathy for all these babies who never got a chance to live. It was sad but also cathartic.

We then went on to visit Newgrange, which is a world heritage site, built 5000 years ago. The site is a place for ritual and burial. The ancient people used to cremate their dead and place them the chamber in the center of the structure. On the shortest day of the year light  from the morning sunrise enters the chamber. The site represents the living and the dead. There are symbols of fertility positioned around the site, life and death side by side. These ancient people  did not live long lives, most died by the age of 40 and the infant mortality rate was extremely high. These people built this amazing structure to worship their dead, whilst celebrating life. I wear a locket with some Luke and Arthur's ashes in, so whilst in the chamber I was compelled to leave a few grains of their ashes alongside these ancient people. It is a little ritual for me to participate in, which I guess is all part of the healing process.

Now I am back home and once more fertility treatments become the main agenda, what next? I have decided to do another fresh cycle. I am going to get a hysteroscopy before the cycle as I want to ensure that the inside of my uterus is OK. After I gave birth to the boys part of my placenta retained, so I had a manual removal and a DNC.The procedures went well, but I want to check to see if there was any scaring. I have asked to get a biopsy while they are in there and I hope to get tested for NK killer cells. I have also decided to get some immune bloods done. I was given a list of bloods to check, I have had some of the blood work done already but what I will get this time is Anti-Thyroglobulin Ab, Anti-Histone Antibodies, Anti Throperoxidase Ab and Anti Nuclear Antibodies. Then if all is clear I will do the fresh cycle in either October or November. My clinic is not recommending the blood tests, but at this stage, I have done every test in the book except these so my thought is this time I might as well throw the kitchen sink at it. If something shows up at least I have a better understanding, and if all is clear I know in my heart I have left no stone unturned.

I must admit I am weary of all these  treatments, I am tired and I feel my life is on hold. The truth is right now I don't have a life, which I know is not healthy. I have also been goggling, when do you decide to end fertility treatments and from the suggestions that others have written, I am getting close to that place. I hate having to wait again to do the treatment, but in another breath I need the time as I am so broken after the last one. I have always found fertility treatments hard but since loosing the twins it is now so much harder.

Epictetus,' One must not tie a ship to a single anchor, nor life to a single hope'...

One more time

Well its all come to an end once more.. I tested on Saturday and it was a BFN.. I am sick of writing that word. I became a little bit crazy on Saturday, I spent the whole day on the internet trying to make sense of why my embryos are not taking and where do I go from here.. Before the transfer I had decided to try another fresh cycle, but I want to ensure that if I go again that I am giving myself the best opportunity to succeed.. I didn't grieve on Saturday, in fact I didn't think at all, but then on Sunday it hit me harder than ever before, I was numb, silent and in pain. I spent Sunday and Monday in a daze, it felt like an out of body experience, things happening around me but I was somewhere else observing from afar. Today I am finding my way back to myself but it isn't easy. I am filled with fear about the future and what will happen next.


Last night I dreamt that I was traveling on a boat with my DH and some other passengers. I went to the bow of the boat and could see that a ship had been shipwrecked ahead of us. The ship was sitting on top of huge boulders and the waves were crashing all around. As we approached, a huge wave lifted the ship off the rocks and and it came crashing down on the boat we were in. I was screaming we need to jump, we need to get off this boat. I ran pulling my DH behind me (if it was real, I don't think that part would be true!!). When we reached the stern of the boat we jumped holding on to each other. The boat was sliced in half and was sinking, we were trying to keep our heads above water, I went down a few times but reached the surface again, it was so frightening.. we were close to the shore so with all our strength we started swimming. Witnesses on the shore waded into the water to help people, a couple carrying a baby pulled me and my DH out.. we were saved.. Now analyze that !!!

After some research on Google, this explanation makes the most sense to me.When you are drowning in your dreams, it is likely, you feel out of control in real life. You are overwhelmed with your current situation. In fact, you are so overwhelmed that your troubles are figuratively drowning you. You are sinking further into debt, experiencing lack of progression or even depression. Dreaming of drowning with a loved one often means that you are not just overwhelmed. It could mean you feel someone else is being affected by your lack of competence. In other words, you are drowning and taking them down with you, or vice versa. I think Freud may have a different perspective but this makes sense to me. I'm not sure what to make of the second part of my dream. We did start swimming and saved ourselves and were helped by a family and a baby, which perhaps symbolizes that by persevering we will get to our ultimate goal of having a baby.

So where do we go from here, I emailed my clinic this morning and they didn't recommend any more tests but felt that a fresh cycle would give better results. I asked them about doing Immune bloods, and a procedure called IMSI, which is similar to ICSI, where they select the best sperm but in IMSI it is magnified 6000 times. I received an e-mail back and they said that the sperm was fine and they didn't recommend the immune testing. I have a consultant here in Ireland who is away on holidays at the moment but when she returns I will put those questions to her. I am going to take a few weeks at a less frantic pace and see what if any tests I will do, but will try again in October. I am aware it may fail again in October but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.. I found a great quote that seems fitting to my current situation 'Our weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try one more time' Thomas Edison.

5 days to go

I have five days left before I test and I have no symptoms.. a few cramps from the progesterone. I wish the time would go quickly but on the other hand I don't want my hope to be taken away so I am glad of this time. I wish I was positive but I am struggling to find that positivity.

My cousin called on Sunday, and it was OK. We engaged in general chit chat but she never mentioned the twins, how the past few months have been for me or how was I feeling. It wasn't worth trying to make an issue of it, and now I am glad as it allows me to move on. We will always be related, we will see each other and thats OK. Our relationship will probably remain the same, I just perhaps thought it was something different.

A neighbor dropped by last Friday, she has lost two of her sons to tragedies one at 3 years old and the other in his late twenties. I never had any contact with her previously, but as we sat in the living room our two souls could understand each other. I am really grateful to her for making space for me and asking about my boys, when her own losses are unimaginable. I could speak freely to her about the birth and about all of little Arthur's milestones in neonatal. One thing that struck me is she was genuinely interested in talking about the boys and telling me of her experience of grief. When she asked to see some photos of the boys, I was delighted to pull out their album as I don't show many people that visit their photos. I am very grateful that I had that opportunity to sit with her and talk so openly. Afterwards I was shattered and emotional but it was good.

Lately I have been finding white feathers. A forum that I frequent, discusses white feathers as a sign of our children reminding us that they are near. I really like this idea. I don't remember ever seeing feathers before but now I am finding them and it is a good feeling. Today I picked one up as I was walking into work just lying on the street. I'm not sure what I believe in or where we go after we die, but the white feathers put Luke and Arthur at the forefront of my mind and that makes me smile. I have kept the feathers and placed them in the boys memory boxes to hopefully one day put in their scrap book.