Sunday, 13 May 2012

5 months today

I was browsing through a baby loss forum and I looked at Luke and Arthur's little tickers and there it was 5 months ago today that the twins were born and that Luke died.. I can't believe its 5 months.. I don't know where the time has gone. It has made me really sad today thinking about it.. 5 months since I said hello and good bye and all the trauma surrounding it..Baby Arthur was in neonatal and we were broken. I still feel broken, not as intense as the early days but a kind of lost feeling with no control over my situation. I still haven't written Arthur's story, I haven't felt strong enough, we had two weeks with him and there is a lot to think about and write down, hopefully I will find the strength to write it soon so I can honor my son.

I am also 8 days post transfer today so I am quiet hormonal as well!!! I'm a bit all over the place emotionally.. I'm trying to do as little as possible so all this lying around isn't helping..I had a friend call today and I had to lie about why I don't feel up to doing anything. I feel bad for that too. I don't know if I am pregnant or not so I don't want to say anything beyond next Saturday which is my test date.

I am fairly symptom free, since I was sick, a little cramping a few days after transfer,twinges here and there but nothing too much.. I have a bit of metal taste in my mouth and I feel like I am on steroids. I am taking Trental which is like aspirin,estrogen, vitamin e, and progesterone. I think that all the symptoms can be traced back to the drugs but could also be that AF is coming or that implantation has occurred. I keep kicking myself when I find myself Googling the same information for the 100th time. One would think at this stage I would known all the answers, but there are no answers till test date and only time will tell. I have to get through the week ahead and try to prevent myself from testing too early. According to Google research if I was pregnant implantation would be completed today and Hcg would start to appear in the blood stream, increasing over the coming week.. but if I am not pregnant then my lining is preparing for AF to come.

This is such a hard place to be between trying to conceive and thinking about my lost babies and trying to be a part of the real world. One day at a time....

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