Monday, 28 May 2012

It isn't easy

This has been a hard week... My mind is all over the place.. What do we do now, do we go again.. Do we go for another frozen cycle or do we do a fresh cycle... Do we look at adoption or foster care.. Do we accept that we need to live our lives without children... I don't know the answers.. If only I knew where all of this would end.. I feel like this whole Ivf thing has become an addiction... When is enough enough... When do we stop???

I know if I had not become pregnant with the twins I would have stopped now, as before our pregnancy we had agreed that it would be our last fresh cycle.. Now we have had a pregnancy I know it is possible for me to become pregnant and now I feel I should keep going.. My DH wants me to keep going for at least one more frozen cycle and one fresh cycle but he is not pressuring me...

I started this post a few days ago and have finally made the decision to cycle again, I will do another frozen egg cycle in July. I have to do some blood test during the week and then start on the scans again.. Now that I have made the decision, I feel better able to cope as I am on another journey.. still hoping that it can happen for me..

I have been trying to keep busy, we are doing a lot of DIY on our house, so I am painting like crazy. We have visitors arriving next weekend, which I am looking forward too.. Its our friends that I stayed with in India soon after the twins died.. It will be nice to have them here, as they were very good to me at one of the darkest times in my life..

I went out yesterday with my hillwalking club for a walk on some islands (The Blaskets) off the peninsular where I live.. It was my first time doing anything like this since the twins died as I have basically lived like a hermit for the past 5 months. My mother and my sister came with me so I had lots of support. I couldn't sleep the night before as I had so much anxiety about meeting people.. It went ok, there were a lot of new members which was good as they know nothing about me, and overall people just said that they were delighted to see me out again.. This was a big step for me..

The islands we visited are no longer inhabited, the last residents left in the 1950's..We walked around the deserted village.. Some stones on the ground were pointed out to us, we were told this is were unnamed babies were buried. The babies would not have been christened, so they died soon before or after birth.. All I could think about is the pain these mothers must have felt, and that I am not alone..mothers have been loosing there babies since the beginning of time... I took a photo of the stones to remember all the lost babies, some of whom don't even have a name.. I share it here so that these little babies can be remembered for a moment...

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