Sleep

I'm having trouble sleeping.. This is new to me as I always slept and slept well... It isn't bothering me too much it's just part of my new life..

Our friends arrived today and some more tomorrow.. We spent the past two weeks getting the place ready and put in a new bathroom... We were so busy which was good as I was a bit distracted but then we finished and I just broke down ... Sometimes I just get so sad... I feel a bit overwhelmed now with people in the house and things to organise.. But I want these people to be here, they were good to me after the babies died... It's just a lot all of a sudden.. I have gone from doing nothing mode to being busy...

Since the babies died I have tried to stay away from social networks.. I really don't want to see how happy everyone else is when I am so sad.. But tonight in my insomnia I had a peek and now I wish I hadn't.. Pictures of babies and happy people is just depressing.. So lesson learnt I will stay away from Facebook...

In my breakdown mode I asked hubby will I ever be happy again.. Will I always feel like this... Sad unhappy and waiting.. I read somewhere during the week that often baby loss mothers feel they are waiting for their future as all their plans were wrenched away from them and it's a limbo.. I can really resonate with this feeling.. No future just a feeling that nothing is happening.. IVF isn't working unsure of what will happen next!! Waiting for a future..

One good thing that happened this week is that my best friend had some elderly people from the local community knit blankets, hats and cardigans for the neonatal were Arthur lived for two weeks... She sent them off during week and got a lovely reply to say that all the nurses said hi and will always remember the babies... The sad thing is they are the only ones to remember the babies as nobody else met them..

I wish this post wasn't so depressing but it is an accumulation of feelings that I need to let out.. I miss my babies so much.. It makes me so angry....