Sunday, 24 June 2012

Here we go again

Today is the first day of trying to conceive again. I'm day one of my cycle and its all ahead of me, the scans, the transfer, the trip to Kiev, the two week wait and the pregnancy test...

Its been a testing week. I flew to Paris last Monday, it was a nice distraction but at times I wish I was at home in bed away from the world. I missed hubby, as I took the trip with a girlfriend. At times I felt hollow, or I was going through the motions, watching as a passerby. Watching the world continue on, the happy families visiting the sites. I wondered did they know pain, have they experienced loss.. I drank wine, I got emotional, I enjoyed the atmosphere, it rained (I loved it, as often I think it suits my mood), I was exhausted, it was a change. Now I am back and I'm day one of my cycle.

This time last year I was preparing for the cycle with the twins, I had egg collection on the 6th July and transfer on the 9th.. This transfer will be on the 12th or 13th of July. I was so innocent this time last year, hoping to get pregnant, thinking that was the hard part out of the way, not knowing what lay ahead. I was hopeful and a year on I still am as I don't think I would be trying again if I wasn't, but I am no longer innocent. I have fear, of what can go wrong and a knowledge that it can happen to me.

In the past year, I have know a mothers love, I have known a mothers greatest loss. I have lost friends and gained a deep closeness to others. I have reflected on what is important to me and what is not. I have taken time out from the fast pace of my life and I have slowed down. I feel a stronger love and a deeper understanding of my DH and I know I am with a wonderful, patient, man who will care for me in sickness and in health. I have experienced my greatest joy and my deepest sorry. I have experienced trauma, depression, loneliness, self hatred and a hatred of the world. In the past year I have grown up.

I start back to work tomorrow. I am dreading it, I have thought up of a thousand excuses to extend it another week. As I will need time off to scan this week, I may just go in for two days this week and then three days next week. I will have to wait and see how I feel in the morning. I know it will be good to get the first day over with and go from there, I just wish it wasn't tomorrow... I wish a lot of things but life continues on and time does not stand still.

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